These glass walls you hide behind
A mirage is all your silhouette becomes
A thought I hold on to too tightly
A breath I don't want to let go of.
Where do you go when you're quiet
When you turn your back and turn away
When you walk away and don't look back
Where do you go when you don't hear me
Where I can't reach you and you don't see
These quiet spaces that choke me
The silence of a heart that wants to speak
The quiet desires that don't find their way
To my lips, to your arms, to where we exist
Where do you go when I can't touch you
Where do you hide when I call out for you
When I keep holding on to a memory
Of when you wouldn't let me go
When I cry tears you don't taste
Where do you go where I can't follow...
Your walls they hide you from my sight
Yet through my walls you just walk through
And from the dark
You come.
And despite me...
I smile.
And the questions just slip away
Cos I am too afraid to, cos I know...
That I can't ever go
Like you go from me.
- RKS
Monday, November 2, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
This Place
Post 333
Wrote this a little while back, thought I would share it - was one of those times, when things seemed simple and perfect…
What is this place you take me to?
This dream I have not yet dreamt
This feeling which washes over
And seems to wipe tears I have not wept.
What is this emotion you breathe in me?
Surrendering feels like becoming whole
This feeling of completeness that finds me
And seems to heal my injured heart with ease.
What is this moment you lead me to?
As though I have been but not lived till now
As though I have held my breath for so long
Fear flees my mind, for to me it no longer belongs.
What is this place you take me to…
I follow your trail down to this wonderland
Where happiness doesn't need to be understood
And all that I could want has found me.
- RKS
What is this place you take me to?
This dream I have not yet dreamt
This feeling which washes over
And seems to wipe tears I have not wept.
What is this emotion you breathe in me?
Surrendering feels like becoming whole
This feeling of completeness that finds me
And seems to heal my injured heart with ease.
What is this moment you lead me to?
As though I have been but not lived till now
As though I have held my breath for so long
Fear flees my mind, for to me it no longer belongs.
What is this place you take me to…
I follow your trail down to this wonderland
Where happiness doesn't need to be understood
And all that I could want has found me.
- RKS
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Balancing
Post 332
Been more than a month since I've written here. Did the thoughts pause, the observations, feelings disappear? Barely - more like the opposite :) A wave of emotion and journeying both within and taking me far away has been happening. A part of me going through its motions, questioning, feeling lost and thinking sharing that here might not be the best thing. And just that thought gave me this blog to write.
Isn't it strange how we often hide when we're down, when we're hurt - we tend to shy away and not speak of it? Our reactions are reprimanded by mostly ourselves. We take these parts of being human and categorize jealousy, fear, hurt, desires we think we shouldn't have as "wrong". We spend time to distract ourselves, to move away from that which is difficult to understand. Temptations we cannot work with, conflicts - so much we have channeled and decided these as our own battles. These as the shame we carry, and the guilt we bear - and it like a demon of the dark must be locked in the basement. We must put on a smile and greet the world in appropriate manner, proceed as is expected, for that is what is after all, right. Right?
But if we really look at ourselves as different personalities, isn't the weaker side of us the one that needs the nourishing? Isn't the jealousy in us that needs to take a step back and laugh at ourselves a little bit? Isn't our anguish over another person a bit benefited by sharing the ridiculousness of it all? And isn't sadness sometimes most healed by the comfort of acceptance, of a hug? So if a balance of all our negative emotion truly is a positive trait in us, in sharing with others - why are we trying so hard to put it away?
If we take a moment and really take a DEEP breath and feel where the pain is, where in our body we feel the ache, and consciously say "no". Immediately we can feel a tenseness within us. We are doing something wrong by experiencing pain. We are doing wrong by tolerating sadness - this must be corrected. This is our reaction. Now in the same way... if we take another deep breath and feel with the power of a "yes". Yes I see you my hurt, and I accept your presence. I sit with you my pain, and I understand your grief. There is almost a physical relief that spreads on us. By us tolerating this energy we've termed as negative, these feelings we believe are holding us back - by sitting with them, and sharing the balance of our kindness, we are moving forward together. There are so many battles we are in all the time, but the one within is one we can quieten.
Sadness, disappointment will always be there knocking on our door - we have to go through what we must. But if we find that balance within, if we find that tolerance within - we can rest and we can meet this hurt and pain at our convenience. When we choose it, when we're ready - perhaps, even after a good nights sleep... or two :)
Isn't it strange how we often hide when we're down, when we're hurt - we tend to shy away and not speak of it? Our reactions are reprimanded by mostly ourselves. We take these parts of being human and categorize jealousy, fear, hurt, desires we think we shouldn't have as "wrong". We spend time to distract ourselves, to move away from that which is difficult to understand. Temptations we cannot work with, conflicts - so much we have channeled and decided these as our own battles. These as the shame we carry, and the guilt we bear - and it like a demon of the dark must be locked in the basement. We must put on a smile and greet the world in appropriate manner, proceed as is expected, for that is what is after all, right. Right?
But if we really look at ourselves as different personalities, isn't the weaker side of us the one that needs the nourishing? Isn't the jealousy in us that needs to take a step back and laugh at ourselves a little bit? Isn't our anguish over another person a bit benefited by sharing the ridiculousness of it all? And isn't sadness sometimes most healed by the comfort of acceptance, of a hug? So if a balance of all our negative emotion truly is a positive trait in us, in sharing with others - why are we trying so hard to put it away?
If we take a moment and really take a DEEP breath and feel where the pain is, where in our body we feel the ache, and consciously say "no". Immediately we can feel a tenseness within us. We are doing something wrong by experiencing pain. We are doing wrong by tolerating sadness - this must be corrected. This is our reaction. Now in the same way... if we take another deep breath and feel with the power of a "yes". Yes I see you my hurt, and I accept your presence. I sit with you my pain, and I understand your grief. There is almost a physical relief that spreads on us. By us tolerating this energy we've termed as negative, these feelings we believe are holding us back - by sitting with them, and sharing the balance of our kindness, we are moving forward together. There are so many battles we are in all the time, but the one within is one we can quieten.
Sadness, disappointment will always be there knocking on our door - we have to go through what we must. But if we find that balance within, if we find that tolerance within - we can rest and we can meet this hurt and pain at our convenience. When we choose it, when we're ready - perhaps, even after a good nights sleep... or two :)
With Me
I take you with me into the world
Into the warmth of the sun rays
The smell of the rain, the quiet walkways
Into the silences of tears we won't share
And the reflecting smiles of the strangers on the way
And for me, in some way, it will always be like this
Walking with you in the light
Remembering being alive together.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Turbulent
Post 331
The emotion it beats in me
Your face, a promised comfort
Is all that my heart can see
Though I know its more of a mirage
I'm pushed away, it's something I can't touch.
I'm wrapping myself on threads of memories
Or was it just a wishful dream
When you held me when I hurt
When you said "I am here"
And I held on harder.
The feeling it rises in me
The desire to act, to be unafraid
To react and feel without chains
For is that not when we're free..?
But freedom itself mocks me
When with my open spirit and heart
I stand here judged and lonely.
Do I act on my thoughts now
How many times will I jump with nothing but faith
How far can my hope take me
Maybe staying still is all I've left in me
Maybe not reaching out is when I'll be found
Maybe staying still with just me
Will take the most courage to be.
Your face, a promised comfort
Is all that my heart can see
Though I know its more of a mirage
I'm pushed away, it's something I can't touch.
I'm wrapping myself on threads of memories
Or was it just a wishful dream
When you held me when I hurt
When you said "I am here"
And I held on harder.
The feeling it rises in me
The desire to act, to be unafraid
To react and feel without chains
For is that not when we're free..?
But freedom itself mocks me
When with my open spirit and heart
I stand here judged and lonely.
Do I act on my thoughts now
How many times will I jump with nothing but faith
How far can my hope take me
Maybe staying still is all I've left in me
Maybe not reaching out is when I'll be found
Maybe staying still with just me
Will take the most courage to be.
- RKS
Monday, August 3, 2015
Without Searching
Post 330
I went to the ocean to look for inspiration
I looked deeply for a direction
A poem hidden away, a secret told to just me
A story I had missed, something within me it would show
Silence was in my mind, my heart quiet
I looked harder for words to form a sentence
A deep moment to share, and nothing came
It looked like a moody child unwilling to cooperate
Defeated, I looked at it with no expectation.
I stared hard at its shapeless form
I saw the sands play with the foam
The rise and fall of an angry ocean
The imperfect waves that fell
The symmetry in all of the chaos that filled this space
I felt the energy of determination
The beauty of letting go
The shapeless water demanding your attention
Not needing to give anything away
Not asking for anything in return
I saw it dance with the clouds, with the sands
I saw it move with a force, and succumb to itself
Lost in its own rhythm, lost in its own pace
It held my gaze, held my breath…
And when I tried to fill my mind with thought…
I felt moved, I felt inspired… and I realized
when I stopped looking… was when I started listening…
RKS
So much within us which we don't know, so much around us which we try so hard to grasp. And the being often, wants nothing more than to be. An ocean depicted with calm, can take on the shape of power, thrashing, moodiness… it can take on the face of a quiet moment, still - letting the winds caress it, Regardless of our assumption, our profound or lack of understanding - the ocean is there. Will be as it must, it will be. Despite our wanting, there is a lot always waiting to touch us, to find us… and when we stop channeling ourselves to believe, to seek in one way - we find what we're given. We find what we're unsure of, and listen, truly listen to how much is around us. And only when we're listening are we truly gauging what it is we need to do… what it is we need to be. For aren't others listening to us too?
I looked deeply for a direction
A poem hidden away, a secret told to just me
A story I had missed, something within me it would show
Silence was in my mind, my heart quiet
I looked harder for words to form a sentence
A deep moment to share, and nothing came
It looked like a moody child unwilling to cooperate
Defeated, I looked at it with no expectation.
I stared hard at its shapeless form
I saw the sands play with the foam
The rise and fall of an angry ocean
The imperfect waves that fell
The symmetry in all of the chaos that filled this space
I felt the energy of determination
The beauty of letting go
The shapeless water demanding your attention
Not needing to give anything away
Not asking for anything in return
I saw it dance with the clouds, with the sands
I saw it move with a force, and succumb to itself
Lost in its own rhythm, lost in its own pace
It held my gaze, held my breath…
And when I tried to fill my mind with thought…
I felt moved, I felt inspired… and I realized
when I stopped looking… was when I started listening…
RKS
So much within us which we don't know, so much around us which we try so hard to grasp. And the being often, wants nothing more than to be. An ocean depicted with calm, can take on the shape of power, thrashing, moodiness… it can take on the face of a quiet moment, still - letting the winds caress it, Regardless of our assumption, our profound or lack of understanding - the ocean is there. Will be as it must, it will be. Despite our wanting, there is a lot always waiting to touch us, to find us… and when we stop channeling ourselves to believe, to seek in one way - we find what we're given. We find what we're unsure of, and listen, truly listen to how much is around us. And only when we're listening are we truly gauging what it is we need to do… what it is we need to be. For aren't others listening to us too?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Faith
Post 329
I had written this out a couple of weeks back, and thought to share it:
Today a word seems to be stuck in my mind - it's "faith"... I have been thinking of it a lot recently. I once read this quote, "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to." There are many faces faith takes, so I guess I should clarify and say I am talking of the faith in good, the faith in acceptance, complete acceptance of yourself and all those you choose to be with.
There is something about believing isn't there - we consciously choose to accept a reality not based on facts but on what we decide to understand and make of those. And maybe it's not such a conscious decision, and it maybe comes from the emotional heart and not the logical brain - but sometimes, I think faith is our instinct - our basic instinct. Is there not faith in the tree that sheds its leaves and believe it will bloom again - drops itself completely bare and grits itself through the winter...in faith that it will once again be reborn. With an older bark, some more age and time - but it will be in it's full glory again.
So the picture below is one I took in our yard, its a tree which seemed like overnight just burst into color - like it had been waiting so patiently, staying sturdy, and it's faith just paid off - and it stretched into the rays of the sun, basking in it's re-affirmation, it's complex and simple faith being renewed, rejoiced - an exuberant celebration and a quiet contentment... as though its dancing with all around it, being part and whole... in the spirit of faith. Made me think, maybe all our faiths will some day be realized in a similar fashion :)
Today a word seems to be stuck in my mind - it's "faith"... I have been thinking of it a lot recently. I once read this quote, "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to." There are many faces faith takes, so I guess I should clarify and say I am talking of the faith in good, the faith in acceptance, complete acceptance of yourself and all those you choose to be with.
There is something about believing isn't there - we consciously choose to accept a reality not based on facts but on what we decide to understand and make of those. And maybe it's not such a conscious decision, and it maybe comes from the emotional heart and not the logical brain - but sometimes, I think faith is our instinct - our basic instinct. Is there not faith in the tree that sheds its leaves and believe it will bloom again - drops itself completely bare and grits itself through the winter...in faith that it will once again be reborn. With an older bark, some more age and time - but it will be in it's full glory again.
So the picture below is one I took in our yard, its a tree which seemed like overnight just burst into color - like it had been waiting so patiently, staying sturdy, and it's faith just paid off - and it stretched into the rays of the sun, basking in it's re-affirmation, it's complex and simple faith being renewed, rejoiced - an exuberant celebration and a quiet contentment... as though its dancing with all around it, being part and whole... in the spirit of faith. Made me think, maybe all our faiths will some day be realized in a similar fashion :)
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Can we...
Post 328
Just for today, can we pretend we're okay
Can we talk, smile and live life like we're meant to
Like there are no pains, or scars on either one of us
The armor off, the child in play, can we smile at each other
Can we run on the grass, laugh in the sun, sleep under the stars
Like we have never been in love before...
Like this was the first day of our lives
Like the only feeling that mattered
Was being with each other?
Can we let our heart beat with joy
Neither with fear nor hiding in shame
Can we let our spirit explore
And not be weighed down by expectations?
Silences, thoughts, our quests are found
Hopes, dreams are attained
Old friends find their way back
And we move together in unison
Like we understand each other
Like we have no more questions
Can we pretend to be...just for a day..
Eternally, completely, and hopelessly happy?
- RKS
Can we talk, smile and live life like we're meant to
Like there are no pains, or scars on either one of us
The armor off, the child in play, can we smile at each other
Can we run on the grass, laugh in the sun, sleep under the stars
Like we have never been in love before...
Like this was the first day of our lives
Like the only feeling that mattered
Was being with each other?
Can we let our heart beat with joy
Neither with fear nor hiding in shame
Can we let our spirit explore
And not be weighed down by expectations?
Silences, thoughts, our quests are found
Hopes, dreams are attained
Old friends find their way back
And we move together in unison
Like we understand each other
Like we have no more questions
Can we pretend to be...just for a day..
Eternally, completely, and hopelessly happy?
- RKS
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Distances
Post 327
What are these strange distances between us?
I have never learnt to see you separate from me
What are these worried questions in your eyes?
I have never known you to have doubts.
What is this hesitance on your lips?
I have never felt you hold yourself back from me.
I stand still in this journey we took together
I stand on this cliff we climbed together
The winds of change have blown hard
And the waves of fear have beaten harder
But I have stood here with the memory of us.
I let my hair blow in the wind
And you run with me free
I know I held you close once
And in your eyes it was you I saw
And in your arms it was me who danced
We both knew, we have always known
We are each others story.
So what are these strange distances between us?
I have never learnt to see you separate from me.
- RKS
I have never learnt to see you separate from me
What are these worried questions in your eyes?
I have never known you to have doubts.
What is this hesitance on your lips?
I have never felt you hold yourself back from me.
I stand still in this journey we took together
I stand on this cliff we climbed together
The winds of change have blown hard
And the waves of fear have beaten harder
But I have stood here with the memory of us.
I let my hair blow in the wind
And you run with me free
I know I held you close once
And in your eyes it was you I saw
And in your arms it was me who danced
We both knew, we have always known
We are each others story.
So what are these strange distances between us?
I have never learnt to see you separate from me.
- RKS
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Embarking
Post 326
Got a chance to get away this weekend - get lost in the mountains and the ocean. I wrote this poem just before leaving, before embracing the road that lay ahead... sometimes not just the trip but what we anticipate from a trip can be inspiring. The deep breath before we embark..
Come with me the dawn has broken
An adventure a new day to be stolen
We'll walk like old friends from another life
Move with the melodies of the wind
Come let's start the road awaits
We will wander and laugh
Like we have never been hurt before
We will walk these forests
And kiss the oceans...
Like we are children again..
Come let's quieten our doubts
And break our routines
Let's discover ourselves being quiet
Humbled and open
Like we have never lost before...
Time is our companion
Our feelings our guide...
Come let's go...
The day awaits...
Let's smile and run
Like we will never be alone again
-RKS
Come with me the dawn has broken
An adventure a new day to be stolen
We'll walk like old friends from another life
Move with the melodies of the wind
Come let's start the road awaits
We will wander and laugh
Like we have never been hurt before
We will walk these forests
And kiss the oceans...
Like we are children again..
Come let's quieten our doubts
And break our routines
Let's discover ourselves being quiet
Humbled and open
Like we have never lost before...
Time is our companion
Our feelings our guide...
Come let's go...
The day awaits...
Let's smile and run
Like we will never be alone again
-RKS
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Holding you
Post 325
And how does an ocean hug a shore
How does a bird get lifted by the air
How do flowers kiss the rays
And how do I hold you with my thoughts?
We play on the shores of our thoughts
We are lifted by the flights of our memories
And we're touched by the warmth of our prayers
But how do I hold you with my intentions?
And how does a raindrop immerse in an ocean
How does a cloud envelope a mountain
How do stars hold on to the sky
And how do I hold you with my desires?
Immersed in our souls, we live within
We hold on steady as the winds blow hard
We try to let the doubts and fear go
We succeed and fail, we dance through this maze
We are together, we are alone, perfect and broken
And yet when I see the sun caress my skin...
A simple thought floods into my mind...
How do I hold you with my love?
- RKS
How does a bird get lifted by the air
How do flowers kiss the rays
And how do I hold you with my thoughts?
We play on the shores of our thoughts
We are lifted by the flights of our memories
And we're touched by the warmth of our prayers
But how do I hold you with my intentions?
And how does a raindrop immerse in an ocean
How does a cloud envelope a mountain
How do stars hold on to the sky
And how do I hold you with my desires?
Immersed in our souls, we live within
We hold on steady as the winds blow hard
We try to let the doubts and fear go
We succeed and fail, we dance through this maze
We are together, we are alone, perfect and broken
And yet when I see the sun caress my skin...
A simple thought floods into my mind...
How do I hold you with my love?
- RKS
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Present
Post 324
It's been a while since I wrote here - there has been a multitude of reasons why, and no reasons too. Such is the human mind - what we sometimes give a lot of importance in one day, ends up becoming memory in another. What inhabits our thoughts and lingers on in one moment, often fades away and we make room for what is currently present.
I have been thinking of an idea recently - the idea of inhabiting your present. Inhabiting where you are, wanting to be where you are. It's the dream isn't it? What you have being all you need. I don't think that will ever happen simply because we're blessed and cursed with an imagination, with desires and wants which sometimes lead to restlessness and pain, but also help us grow. But what we can think of is not fighting the present with weapons of the past, and fears of the future.
The idea of disconnecting our minds once in a while in our days, and breathing in. Feeling where we are, checking in with our minds, spirits and heart. Seeing where you feel empty, what feels good, what hurts, whether its loneliness or joy, frustration or contentment - being aware of it. Taking that moment to feel rather than think of your present.
Our present if you think about it is the only moment we're truly alive in. We breathe and live a moment at a time and we often spend the least time being in it. There are very few moments where we are truly there - sometimes a breath taking sunset, or something extra ordinary that stops us in our tracks, then we maybe pause and take it in. But why not in our everyday? Why not consciously?
Sometimes I think one of the truths of life which we're at constant battle with is it is hard. It is not going to get easier or come on a platter. Things are not going to magically change and relationships, friends, spirituality any of these qualities are not going to get undone or strengthened in exactly the way we want. We are going to be let down and circumstances are going to be hard at times. So do we have no choice? Are we just floating on a river - waiting for the next obstacle? Well the choice is what we do in those gaps, what we do in our small ways, in minutes we still for ourselves. The experience of life is somehow better when our spirit is growing within us. And from every pain, we are growing, we're learning.. we are experiencing the light within us which is more forgiving, more loving than the thoughts we invade ourselves with.
The present helps us know ourselves better, be kinder, be friends with ourselves - so when the inevitable blow or pain comes, we know just how to calm the ripples that wreak havoc in our mind. And when to let those go and take a deep breath and say... I am okay now. Right this minute, even if its just for a minute or two a day - I really am here, and I want to be here.
I have been thinking of an idea recently - the idea of inhabiting your present. Inhabiting where you are, wanting to be where you are. It's the dream isn't it? What you have being all you need. I don't think that will ever happen simply because we're blessed and cursed with an imagination, with desires and wants which sometimes lead to restlessness and pain, but also help us grow. But what we can think of is not fighting the present with weapons of the past, and fears of the future.
The idea of disconnecting our minds once in a while in our days, and breathing in. Feeling where we are, checking in with our minds, spirits and heart. Seeing where you feel empty, what feels good, what hurts, whether its loneliness or joy, frustration or contentment - being aware of it. Taking that moment to feel rather than think of your present.
Our present if you think about it is the only moment we're truly alive in. We breathe and live a moment at a time and we often spend the least time being in it. There are very few moments where we are truly there - sometimes a breath taking sunset, or something extra ordinary that stops us in our tracks, then we maybe pause and take it in. But why not in our everyday? Why not consciously?
Sometimes I think one of the truths of life which we're at constant battle with is it is hard. It is not going to get easier or come on a platter. Things are not going to magically change and relationships, friends, spirituality any of these qualities are not going to get undone or strengthened in exactly the way we want. We are going to be let down and circumstances are going to be hard at times. So do we have no choice? Are we just floating on a river - waiting for the next obstacle? Well the choice is what we do in those gaps, what we do in our small ways, in minutes we still for ourselves. The experience of life is somehow better when our spirit is growing within us. And from every pain, we are growing, we're learning.. we are experiencing the light within us which is more forgiving, more loving than the thoughts we invade ourselves with.
The present helps us know ourselves better, be kinder, be friends with ourselves - so when the inevitable blow or pain comes, we know just how to calm the ripples that wreak havoc in our mind. And when to let those go and take a deep breath and say... I am okay now. Right this minute, even if its just for a minute or two a day - I really am here, and I want to be here.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Reaching Out
Post 323
So now you know
Just what I mean
My heart is there
For you to see
There are no walls guarding me
No words making excuses
Innocent faith, vulnerable trust
So now you know
Just what I feel
My soul is there
For you to touch
There are no questions to be answered
No reasons to be explored
Simple giving, sweet surrender
So now you know
Just who I am…
- RKS
Just what I mean
My heart is there
For you to see
There are no walls guarding me
No words making excuses
Innocent faith, vulnerable trust
So now you know
Just what I feel
My soul is there
For you to touch
There are no questions to be answered
No reasons to be explored
Simple giving, sweet surrender
So now you know
Just who I am…
- RKS
Monday, March 9, 2015
Made of Mud
Post 322
A single point in time
a linear definition
rules of a game
laws of the land
chained willingly
painful strains
giving in to conform
giving in to ease
too hard to fight
too strong to challenge
we weaken our bodies
we sell our souls
we bow down and kneel
our hearts as the sacrifice
Once again...
You are king
Once again...
You are triumphant
Once again...
Fear.. you win.
- RKS
a linear definition
rules of a game
laws of the land
chained willingly
painful strains
giving in to conform
giving in to ease
too hard to fight
too strong to challenge
we weaken our bodies
we sell our souls
we bow down and kneel
our hearts as the sacrifice
Once again...
You are king
Once again...
You are triumphant
Once again...
Fear.. you win.
- RKS
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Words
Post 321
There are so many words in my head
Things I want to say and share
But they remain left unsaid.
And I sit here in the dark with these words
That pound against my walls
Emotions and stories of which you'd care
But you are no longer here for me to share.
Yet words were so loud between us once
We couldn't hear each other anymore
We tried to talk but stopped listening
And these words tore us down.
And there is so much I want to say
They play on my lips but I'm unable to speak
Words in our hands, words in our eyes
Words we feel and mould
Words which break down these lies
But these words are trapped in our silences
Trapped in our eyes, trapped in our moments
And so in these quiet dark nights
I say these words out loud…
And maybe you would feel them…
I miss you.
- RKS
Things I want to say and share
But they remain left unsaid.
And I sit here in the dark with these words
That pound against my walls
Emotions and stories of which you'd care
But you are no longer here for me to share.
Yet words were so loud between us once
We couldn't hear each other anymore
We tried to talk but stopped listening
And these words tore us down.
And there is so much I want to say
They play on my lips but I'm unable to speak
Words in our hands, words in our eyes
Words we feel and mould
Words which break down these lies
But these words are trapped in our silences
Trapped in our eyes, trapped in our moments
And so in these quiet dark nights
I say these words out loud…
And maybe you would feel them…
I miss you.
- RKS
Friday, January 23, 2015
A simple note...
Post 320
It has been a crazy past 24 hours, and my head still seems to be spinning. Trying the art of staying still and letting the feelings come to me rather than chasing and giving them a direction.
Yes, it's been a tough day and was made easier with the support of several who reached out to me today. I guess I don't have much to say but wanted to consciously put out some energy in the universe to be thankful for having some with me to carry me through a dark day like today which shackled me.
So here is putting a prayer out there to the universe, to help us all find peace, and all find people who aren't scared of our emotions, of our feelings to stay with us especially in days like this, when it seems hard to go on, to give us hope and strength, or to just stay still with us and wait with us while the merry-go-round of life settles down. A prayer that we still find comforts in prayers, that in our own small, flawed ways, the energies we put out there do have an impact in this tapestry of life.
Good night… meet you in the new light of a new day.
Yes, it's been a tough day and was made easier with the support of several who reached out to me today. I guess I don't have much to say but wanted to consciously put out some energy in the universe to be thankful for having some with me to carry me through a dark day like today which shackled me.
So here is putting a prayer out there to the universe, to help us all find peace, and all find people who aren't scared of our emotions, of our feelings to stay with us especially in days like this, when it seems hard to go on, to give us hope and strength, or to just stay still with us and wait with us while the merry-go-round of life settles down. A prayer that we still find comforts in prayers, that in our own small, flawed ways, the energies we put out there do have an impact in this tapestry of life.
Good night… meet you in the new light of a new day.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Invisible Emotions
Post 319
Why is it I use the mountains, the rain, the skies, the ocean to describe what I feel? Why is it that these motionless structures of ice somehow reach into the depth of my soul? And the answer came quite quickly… it is because our emotions are in a lot of ways invisible.
How do I share the magnitude of my anger or sadness, how do I express that - but if I describe an untamed ocean clashing against the rocks, eagerly beating hard as it has no other reprise - then perhaps we can imagine the distress and power of this emotion? How do I express the belief that rises in me sometimes when all seems lost and dark, but to share a picture of a gloomy sky and a ray of light making it through and reflecting on an icicle? The simple beauty of hope, canvased in a sky…
We struggle so much to describe what it is we feel… how do we express love, concern.. how do we apologize with the right words, how do we mend that which is broken? But to perhaps share ourselves with the mountains, echo our helplessness in their large halls. Sometimes sitting on the top of a mountain, standing at the edge of an ocean, it just is a reminder of the expanse of this universe. And why not give all around us life and a soul? Why not share all that is within us, with what is around us? Can we not feed our energies into the soil, can we not move the mountains, and make it rain… can we not dance and cry in these torrents and be part, whole and one with everything around us?
How else do we show what we feel - when our words are put on the witness stand, our thoughts are misunderstood… our joys too, aren't felt the way we want them to. But perhaps, nature and our arts, creations, our dances… even playing with words and trying to form these sentences, these are all just attempts to give a body, give a place… a life to that which beats so strongly within us. To not let this energy good or bad fade away. For though it is invisible, it isn't without substance or sustenance. It has the power to break us down, bring us up, make us move with motivation, halt us in our days, keep us quiet, move us to tears. And I guess, that is why I look for constant echoes of what I feel around me… for if not another man, then perhaps another being, in the shape of a soft rock in my hands, the grass at my feet, the quiet mountain silhouette will know what it is that I feel… and let me borrow it as my muse to share with all else.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Quiet
Post 318
Maybe.
But the act of waiting is a difficult one. You stay still when you are accused, when your demons are always shoved in your face, when friends become strangers, when wounds keep getting scraped, when getting older, when getting tested... you believe in a place that isn't there yet... but maybe in a point in this long life we will reach there. The birth of hope.
Today I spent some time alone and tried to be quiet, and move with this quiet. And yes there was a torrent of emotion, why's and hows and what ifs, the fear of uncertainty, the fear of never feeling again something that brought us comfort. The feeling of being lost, of being taken away too far. Of never being understood, the doubts... and then I tried harder to be quiet and listen. And I heard my breathing, saw myself with my own eyes, and I let it go... and while the thoughts were quiet, my body was tired and I could feel its joys and disappointments, hurts and stories without the use of even a single word. And the strange thing was when I was quiet, it wasn't worse, it didn't feel empty... just different. Just different.
We fuel our thoughts with our feelings...and sometimes we need those thoughts to be quiet to really feel what is in us.
Thought I will end this blog with a simple poem I wrote.
Will you look at my eyes again
The way you used to
And find them beautiful
As you try to capture
Their strands sparkling in the sun
Would you hold my hand again
And dance with me in a moment
Be childish and smile in unison
Even when there was nothing to smile of
Will we bask in our innocence
See the truth in my tired soul again
Will you look my way and say my name
Is my moving away, really moving on
Is staying away really being apart?
Is it so hard, will it change anything
The moment that seems to never come
When you look at my eyes again
And speak as a soul that knows mine
That smiles and whispers, the words "hello"
All the while softly saying..
"I am here, with you, again."
- RKS
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Waves of Memory
Post 317
Having a strange wave of nostalgia today. Maybe it's from a feeling of vulnerability or maybe it's just where my mind has decided to go.
Remembering my home where I grew up. Remembering my room, which was before that shared with my sister and before that was not even mine - it belonged to my elder sisters. The making of art projects in that room as a child all the way to the day I packed up my things when leaving for good. The kitchen with its black floors always a strange contrast to the rest of the house... the mismatched couches which always felt comfortable, the fireplace always the warmest part of the house. The dining table with the overflowing newspapers and magazines, envelopes, papers...the quiet nook in the corridor where my dog slept on his first night.
An old shipping container box, filled with old toys. Another made into a tree house, which somehow never made it to any trees. A small bathroom with a functional space, a study room filled with books, a library of sorts, with a closet under lock and key, always such a mystery when opened. It's almost like seeing this house, house number 77, like a photograph. I can navigate through each nook and cranny...the cracked tile on this floor, the scratching on this window, the broken pane, the newly painted roof and walls that were done...
And then the sounds and life that fill the empty walls...they come in as color does on a canvas. From a child waiting for her bedtime story every night, to baking her first cake, to tears and joy, and quiet and flooded, growing and learning... memories which are in everyone's past and they are so much more treasured when we look back now.
Every now and then like today...the concept of home seems a little abstract. Is it a place you know in and out, is it the people who make you feel like you belong? Then is that why when we are left alone, when we feel vulnerable and forgotten.. that we feel our foundation shakes. Is that why we when we leave that nest that we've known for so long, are always insecure in our searches? I don't know. Sometimes I think our memories become more precious when we've times like now -when the mind is quiet and still and the heart tries to pacify it with comforts of a childhood, innocent time. Tries to remind us that we're still the same person, we just have colors and moods... but we never lose the good essence in us. And hurts and scars don't change the innocence in us... for others will look at us with scrutiny, but what hurts is when we ourselves look at our reflections that way. Maybe nostalgia is a way to remind ourselves that we too do have a duty to a soul that we need to love and forgive, protect and nurture.
Remembering my home where I grew up. Remembering my room, which was before that shared with my sister and before that was not even mine - it belonged to my elder sisters. The making of art projects in that room as a child all the way to the day I packed up my things when leaving for good. The kitchen with its black floors always a strange contrast to the rest of the house... the mismatched couches which always felt comfortable, the fireplace always the warmest part of the house. The dining table with the overflowing newspapers and magazines, envelopes, papers...the quiet nook in the corridor where my dog slept on his first night.
An old shipping container box, filled with old toys. Another made into a tree house, which somehow never made it to any trees. A small bathroom with a functional space, a study room filled with books, a library of sorts, with a closet under lock and key, always such a mystery when opened. It's almost like seeing this house, house number 77, like a photograph. I can navigate through each nook and cranny...the cracked tile on this floor, the scratching on this window, the broken pane, the newly painted roof and walls that were done...
And then the sounds and life that fill the empty walls...they come in as color does on a canvas. From a child waiting for her bedtime story every night, to baking her first cake, to tears and joy, and quiet and flooded, growing and learning... memories which are in everyone's past and they are so much more treasured when we look back now.
Every now and then like today...the concept of home seems a little abstract. Is it a place you know in and out, is it the people who make you feel like you belong? Then is that why when we are left alone, when we feel vulnerable and forgotten.. that we feel our foundation shakes. Is that why we when we leave that nest that we've known for so long, are always insecure in our searches? I don't know. Sometimes I think our memories become more precious when we've times like now -when the mind is quiet and still and the heart tries to pacify it with comforts of a childhood, innocent time. Tries to remind us that we're still the same person, we just have colors and moods... but we never lose the good essence in us. And hurts and scars don't change the innocence in us... for others will look at us with scrutiny, but what hurts is when we ourselves look at our reflections that way. Maybe nostalgia is a way to remind ourselves that we too do have a duty to a soul that we need to love and forgive, protect and nurture.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Not Knowing
Post 316
We look at an ocean and believe we can estimate its expanse.
We stand before a gigantic body of water and use words to describe its depth.
A depth we've not experienced, that we've heard of and imagined. And only when thrust into the waters and lost at sea, when desperate for survival do we realize how small our being is in comparison.
And yet we do it all the time.
We imagine we know better. Our thoughts and perceptions must be correct. For we are able to process and understand, we must know.
We can look at the sky and see its colors, we can feel like we understand what an animal feels, a story, a sentiment must mean. We do not take into account our own translation, our limited knowledge because until proven wrong, we don't even think twice.
We look a person in the eye and determine what they feel. What they think, and all their words and actions are molded to match that, for we know. We are able to figure out what is in someone elses heart when we are still able to be surprised by our own reactions.
We decide when someone is wrong and guilty. We judge, we reject, we react, we move away from what we think we know. But we don't know. We don't know what it is we walk away from, what we leave, the story is never complete when recollected... the love, the emotion never dies when one person ends it. The ocean doesn't shrink or grow by our grasp of it. The hurt doesn't reduce or increase by our belief of disengagement. Writing words here, pouring from a heart that no one can know, a feeling no one can understand.
We don't know. And that is the only thing I know for sure.
We stand before a gigantic body of water and use words to describe its depth.
A depth we've not experienced, that we've heard of and imagined. And only when thrust into the waters and lost at sea, when desperate for survival do we realize how small our being is in comparison.
And yet we do it all the time.
We imagine we know better. Our thoughts and perceptions must be correct. For we are able to process and understand, we must know.
We can look at the sky and see its colors, we can feel like we understand what an animal feels, a story, a sentiment must mean. We do not take into account our own translation, our limited knowledge because until proven wrong, we don't even think twice.
We look a person in the eye and determine what they feel. What they think, and all their words and actions are molded to match that, for we know. We are able to figure out what is in someone elses heart when we are still able to be surprised by our own reactions.
We decide when someone is wrong and guilty. We judge, we reject, we react, we move away from what we think we know. But we don't know. We don't know what it is we walk away from, what we leave, the story is never complete when recollected... the love, the emotion never dies when one person ends it. The ocean doesn't shrink or grow by our grasp of it. The hurt doesn't reduce or increase by our belief of disengagement. Writing words here, pouring from a heart that no one can know, a feeling no one can understand.
We don't know. And that is the only thing I know for sure.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Cold
Post 315
And the waters cry out into the smoke
Like the words we never spoke
Or ones you refused to hear
The stories we weren't able to end
The scars we weren't able to mend
The ocean lays still trapped in ice
Like a heart beat frozen in time
The restless nature of the beast
The deafening silence of solitude
The pain and glory of being alone
Against our will, against our instinct
We dive in deeper into the cold
And find the warmth of anger
The fuel of rejection... the salvation
The chains, the restrain, the angst
But the waters meld into the smoke
The waves crack the ice
For nature will not stop
The winds will not slow
Time will not bow
And my tears won't melt
The walls around your heart.
- RKS
Like the words we never spoke
Or ones you refused to hear
The stories we weren't able to end
The scars we weren't able to mend
The ocean lays still trapped in ice
Like a heart beat frozen in time
The restless nature of the beast
The deafening silence of solitude
The pain and glory of being alone
Against our will, against our instinct
We dive in deeper into the cold
And find the warmth of anger
The fuel of rejection... the salvation
The chains, the restrain, the angst
But the waters meld into the smoke
The waves crack the ice
For nature will not stop
The winds will not slow
Time will not bow
And my tears won't melt
The walls around your heart.
- RKS
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Waiting With Walls
Post 314
But they lean in to listen
They sigh at the sound of my tears
They move with my emotion
They know I am their loyal companion
We have waited together before.
There is a space ahead of this
Where I will walk and they can't follow
They stay where I leave them
And remain when I return
When surrounded by them
They echo my silence
And cringe at my screams
They can't reach out nor comfort
Nor hold or promise
They shift weight sometimes and seem
Like angels engraved in them whispering
That this too will pass and I will use
Them to move and dance
And smile and enchant
And yet when I look up to hear again
The stillness that greets me tears me anew
But for now they are quiet
As they cradle my tired being
In their cold arms..
They know my story
They feel my loneliness
They are my friends
Though we cannot speak
I relay to others what we share
Though we cannot touch
I run to them when I break
Though we cannot see
I feel their presence
Peering into my soul
Keeping me company
While I wait…
While I wait with these walls alone.
- RKS
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Happy Birthday
Day 313
Wishes of a warm sunrise that color your day
A cool breeze to guide your way…
A loving hand when you cry
An encouraging whisper whenever you try
A hope, a thought, a simple wish is this
That when you need a friend a friend it is
That finds you and holds you close
Gives you faith and all that you could want
Helps you move forward when you can't
Wishes of a wondrous view whenever you look up
A silhouette of angels guiding your path
Gentle lessons, kind eyes and forgiving hearts
A hope, a thought a simple way to say
To my friend a happy birthday.
- RKS
A cool breeze to guide your way…
A loving hand when you cry
An encouraging whisper whenever you try
A hope, a thought, a simple wish is this
That when you need a friend a friend it is
That finds you and holds you close
Gives you faith and all that you could want
Helps you move forward when you can't
Wishes of a wondrous view whenever you look up
A silhouette of angels guiding your path
Gentle lessons, kind eyes and forgiving hearts
A hope, a thought a simple way to say
To my friend a happy birthday.
- RKS
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