Herding Cats Day 290

In the warmer days the cats like to go outside. They stay within sight and usually maintain their boundaries well. Every now and then in a playful jolt or a strong distraction, they rethink their boundaries and starts the process of slowly shepherding cats. Trying to steer their direction… I have heard it being described as one of the most painful tasks … herding cats. But while trying to usher them towards the front door, I thought about the invisible leash of trust we have.

They could so easily dart, and there's no way me the fumbling human could keep up. In a lot of ways they have the upper hand and what keeps us tied to each other is trust. They give me the place of "alpha" of sorts, and allow themselves to be guided. And maybe by my reaction and their desire to please the "pack" - we're able to give and take and create this relationship.

Trust is one of those tricky things. I sometimes think it works best when it is invisible, when it's a little bit effortless and also a little bit painful. When we know what we're losing, we sometimes value it better. When we are able to pull at its reins a little, we make it stronger. Trust doesn't necessarily bind us or hold us prisoner. It is a direction, it is a faith that this path will lead you to a place you want to be. It's like that promise you make as a child to yourself, or the feeling you know you want to hold onto within you. The sense of accomplishment maybe.. in a relationship, be it with another human or a fur ball.

Herding cats maybe is a good way to describe trust… for we reach the same point eventually, just not easily. And while there is a way of going about it, like using a real physical "constraining" leash… there is a beauty in seeing them in their element. Seeing them pounce and attack, hiding in the jungle of the grass, gliding up the trees…and I in my faith in them am able to appreciate their flight, their pondering expression as the wind blows their fur gently, and not worry of them running and breaking my trust. And they in return can feel safe and explore, be bold and rely on a trust they don't need to voice or articulate… just the faith that we're there for each other in this careful bond we've preciously built.

We're both in our own way simple… celebrating our relationship.

Connected Day 289

A blank screen, now being filled by words. I don't think I have too many word to share, or maybe I have too many. It's funny - I once told someone that when I have nothing to write about, I write about writing :) That statement sometimes is more true than I realize.

I think we all look for buffers in our life. We can't always move with a burden of disappointment, we cannot always move with the adrenaline of joy, there are those moments we search for - the quiet, the non intrusive kind. The kind where you don't decide where you want to be or how you want to feel. Sometimes I think writing is a buffer for me. When I write here, or when I scribble elsewhere, it is a buffer…a kind of way to not think of what is happening. A transportation to a different place. But I must write about something… do I write about what is going on, am I then losing the point of my buffer? I don't know… just random musings. 

I have been thinking of myself more abstractly recently than I have before. I sometimes think we have so many versions of ourselves in our one lifetime. Phases maybe… the coming of age story, the first heartbreak story, the crazy friendship, the struggling truths, the dark, the light, the love, the pain. Every portion of our life, every story sometimes along with the facts is also a summary of who we are. Everything changes us… darkness changes us, kindness changes us. I think what I have come to realize, is we cannot fight everything - we cannot take on nature, fate, our reactions, ourselves, change, our emotions - we cannot change who we become, which journey we embark on. We will be changed by merely living. And life isn't a smooth journey, it isn't a gentle lake, nor is it always a roaring ocean. We just need to learn to accept the changes in us, around us… and we need to never let them reduce us. Never let them reduce our appearance in our eyes. Bend with the change, don't break with it. Let go when it's hard… hold on when it's harder. Say goodbyes, say hello's… experience what you do, feel it all… find your buffer, take it in. Breathe in, breathe out. There has to always be a way to be strong… even by admitting we're not, even by speaking with our silences… the loud silence which belongs only to us, the silence no one else can hear… even by surviving that - we're finding a way to be strong. Every morning, every day…just like this blank blog, without knowing it… I have written so many words, I have filled it with my mood, my existence. It is mine… for this moment, this canvas is mine. 

Sometimes writing here, I talk to myself as much as I do to my abstract audience. I often wonder if my words are reflected in someone else. If we truly are islands of emotion… could there be that much emotion in all of us? Or do we all feel lonely? Do we all feel scared sometimes, do we all feel powerful and ambitious? Do they mean the same things to us? Words, thoughts our bridges to ourselves. And here, by me writing this…by you reading this… we've made a small story. A story we might not relay to others, but maybe like me you're reminiscing, maybe like me you're hoping… like me you're looking for a buffer… a timeout, a moment to re-iterate…the elusive escape, and just like that this is done. This blog is over, our connection is done, the feeling I wanted to share is out there…. it's in your mind for a minute…and ours to ponder, whenever we need to. 

Just like that… this blank screen is no longer blank. 

The Gentle Night Day 288

The moment before everything changes is most beautiful. Almost terrifyingly beautiful if you look back. The comfort of the normal teases you, and you realize the worth of all you had. You look back longingly to that perfect moment - the moment before you awoke to a different reality. 

Some nights have that quality - the calm kind - the terrifyingly beautiful kind. The night is warm, just right… the wind is soft, just right. The stars twinkle and the energy in the air invigorates you. Softly dancing around you are sounds, the just-right kind. The excitement and peace are at balance. The sort of feeling you get when you were young and have a deep certainty within you that we will never get old nor die. So young that we feel ever powerful, the world is for our taking.  That kind of feeling, that perfect time.

Some times I remember nights like that, and I think of how I didn't think much of them… other than trying to be a part of it. Trying to envelope myself in them, breathe a little deeper, stay out a little longer…watch the grass tango with the wind. It was just beautiful. There was a calm to memories like that. 

And with time, those simple memories have become more beautiful. Beautiful because of the river of time that starts to flow in between. Have the nights stopped being peaceful or does time make us so cynical? Do we lose the ability to truly enjoy moments… to enjoy beauty even when we know we are mortal and like those blades of grass, moving to the whims of fate? Does it prohibit us from enjoying a moment because we know… we just know, there's always a perfect moment. that one perfect memory…before everything changes. 

The Feather Day 287

The feather it floated in the air
Unnoticed it flew everywhere
It settled on his shoulder
And he picked it up gently
And ran it across her skin as she smiled
Soon forgotten, the feather it took flight again

The feather it moved with the breeze
And rested on a grass blade
A dog chasing it, a playful ramble
It fell to the mud and stayed still
The rains came and washed it clean
And the feather it took flight again

The feather it got stuck on a branch
Being gently lifted by a birds beak
It took flight on its wings again
She placed it gently in her nest
And it became part of the shelter it gave
Till the night the wind blew fiercely
And despite it, the feather took flight again

It moved with the pulls
Not knowing where it would go
Not knowing where it could stay
The feather it belonged to no one
But with everyone it shared
A moment, a thought, a treasure
Till time tugged at it to move on
And the feather, it took flight again.

- RKS

Soft Whispers Day 286

Some days I wake up and take in the morning, do a check on myself, my current feeling and think about the act of waking up. Everyday we wake from slumber and as our mind finds its alertness, it jerks us from our cradle of sleep into our reality. Whether it is a beautiful reality, or a longing, or an uneasiness, a brightness or a dark - we're jerked from our sleep into it. 

For the longest time I have felt we have a control over our moods and thinking. If we think positive enough, we will be happier. If we push ourselves harder, we will succeed. There are a lot of things behind that thought - us being in charge of ourselves, I guess. If we decide to do something, who stands in our way? Just think it and it shall be. 

Though that does help us pull through, will power can make you scale many mountains - there are things which are not just controlled by thought and our mind. Our being speaks to us in ways we don't always understand. And sometimes in the morning, when thought is still stirring - the body speaks to you, the soul reveals its anguish and desires. You feel who you are, more than think who you want to be. You feel your presence within you. We tend to demand a lot of ourselves because we try to live up to an ideal that we've created. And yet there is a much bigger and simpler part of us that has a simple desire - to be happy, to find peace. It doesn't understand the games of man, nor the pulls, or the reasons. It has no evil nor is it redemption... it is simple in it's existence. It is the feeling which keeps you down when you don't understand - that pulls you forward and surprises you. 

So many times we're so busy thinking and listening to our mind, that we don't listen to the voice within us which speaks without sound. The conscience within us which fills us with life, the soul in us who stirs with joy and equally shatters when it is pulled to a place it cannot extend. 

Still mornings... everyone has a different morning every day... and yet, sometimes in the rush to get out the door and start the day, wear our armors - it is the most important time, when we can truly listen and engage with ourselves mind, body and soul..