Vastness Day 274

I had to work late yesterday and when was walking down the corridors, the emptiness of them caught my attention. It was quiet and there was no one around and lights were dim. It sort of made the place look a lot bigger than it does normally. Vastness... we sometimes are so unaware of it till we're faced with it one on one...

Buildings or the earth or sky, or anything in between... we sometimes forget we're little human beings a few feet tall and not very physically strong, not without our "aids". Each building around us we walk into with such authority and mingle in with the other beings. And if we ever need to measure or do something like paint a wall... that is when it's actual size impresses us.

Sometimes it's the impact of a person, we get used to people in our lives. So easy for us to make room, give time... and when they are not there, missing or gone... that's when the "vastness" of their existence that is filled within us is felt. We don't fully realize the impact someone has on us till they leave. They appear in small things which we didn't notice before. We do build ourselves up and find ways to move on to the next day, but it's like repairing torn sails, never quite the same.

Strange how quickly our mind adapts to "normal". We make places and people our home. We build our identities from them, unaware of how every day, every minute we spend in a place or with something - the closer we're getting, the more of ourselves we're investing. And it takes one snap, one break in the "normal", one unexpected goodbye and the amount we've stretched ourselves out, the space that was filled is now much larger than we realize... and we walk in the corridors of life with the resounding echo of our footsteps in time.

The Run Day 273

I am on the run
Moving fast
Staying in the dark
The shadows watch
The blur of me passing by.

A quick stop
Catch my breath
Can't stop for too long
Must keep running
There must be an escape
Need to keep looking

The dark beings loom large
The darker night seems endless
The whispers get louder
The promises are broken
I run for there is nothing to trust
When you don't' stay still

Nothing holds me back
Nothing pulls me ahead
Urgency building up
Must keep breathing
My legs give way
My eyes hardly keep open
The drumming of my heart
The echo of my hard breaths
And the chant…
Keep running, keep running.

I am on the run
My feet are my path
My instinct is my compass
My eyes are my beacon
And my fear is my strength
There is no time to think

Whispers get louder
The pity echoes in their voice
My chant interrupted by their laughter
"Does she not know she runs from herself?"

I stop. I halt.
I am running…
Even when I sit still.

- RKS

O Winter Day 272

Winter seems to be at it's harshest right now. The cold winds beating hard, the snow drift, the frozen breath, the numb cheeks and nose... been a harsh couple of days. While making a 10 minute walk to my station, I had this verse from one of William Blake's poems in my head and thought I would start this blog with it:

O winter! Bar thine adamantine doors
The north is thine; there hast thou built thy dark
Deep-founded habitation. Shake not thy roofs
Nor bend thy pillars with thine iron car.

He hears me not, but over the yawning deep
Rides heavy; His storms are unchained, sheathed
In ribbed steel; I dare not lift mine eyes;
For he hath reared his scepter over the world.

It has a couple of verses after this, but I always liked these two, and living in cold places, I have come to appreciate the personification of winter and it's cruel ways :) Maybe harsh... but sometimes the only way to accept something or someone in your life is to personify them, their intentions. When you see the flaws in someone you can choose to be more understanding of them perhaps. Maybe cruel winter is doing nothing but it's part in the scheme of things. I think of all the bulbs buried underground that need this damning cold to bloom. I even have some cherry blossoms in my fridge for months now so as to recreate the harsh Japanese winter... well if that works or not, we shall find out :) But it is somehow necessary to give life to these beautiful plants.

I don't know - thoughts are a little all over the place tonight. I do try to see the beauty in the white wonderland around me. I do at times find some joy in the soft flakes and blankets and fires never felt better than they do in winter. But sometimes it is too still.. and the cold starts to feel alone. An immense wall we cannot conquer. Defenseless and small, we stand still and wait for it to pass us by.

Book Trance Day 271

I always seem to have my head in a book. I guess enjoying to write and read kind of go hand in hand. Some books though have this way of entangling me in them and the lives of its characters. So much so that sleep, and every spare moment ends up being spent glancing at the pages. Sentences or situations running through my mind, almost like I am part of a secret adventure, a place which no one else is aware of. The emotions and heartaches, the triumphs and adrenaline, the meaning and reasons in those words are all part of my own.

And then as it must happen… the book comes to an end. The rush and excitement reaches the last page and then it's over. And there is almost a little sense of emptiness. Thoughts still wander to that land and you contemplate over some reactions and maybe rethink some situations or motives. And then eventually those thoughts are done too… and like an old friend who has to go, you need to learn to say goodbye.

Maybe this sounds overly dramatic but anyone who has loved a book truly knows what I am talking about. The silver lining is that there are always more books, endless adventures for us to embark on. And I think it is every writer's dream to connect to someone… to have their words bounce inside someones head. I sometimes think if any words I write here would carry on in someones head, link them to a thought or a memory, bring them closer to a realization? Or are these words just specks which the eye glances over quickly and discards? Regardless, while writers do hope to connect, the act of writing is not motivated by that.. at least it is my assumption that we all write.. for it is like art or a song in your head and you write for the simple joy of stating and bringing to life that which lives in your mind…giving life that will surpass your own, immortality to a story, a thought or a mere blog.

Walking Through the Mist Day 270

And I walked out without anywhere to go
Without need to search, nor desire to find
I walked on to meet what awaited me
Eyes, the souls to man, yet found so many blind
Looking straight at each other, nothing we see
Bound by our inadequacies, bound by our fears
I freed myself and walked on looking for another
Another free soul who could walk with me unafraid
I walked on and with each step found more the need
to be with myself, in the quiet of my mind
In the quiet of my steps, I tread lightly
My heart light and feet lighter, I move on
I did not need answers, nor did I have questions
Yet the beating of my heart grew stronger
A small struggle then...
My soul took the reins and pulled me toward him
Toward and together, my soul entwined with his
A rush, a pulse to meet, and yet when they could
They barely touched, basking in the charged space of their closeness
Of their wants and needs merging, their hopes and thoughts
their loves and lusts, and triumphs and failures
Without humility, nor arrogance or shame or fear
Slowly, deliberately... They became one.
And we walked out together
Without anywhere to go...
Without need to search, nor desire to find.

- RKS

Betwixt and Between Day 269

Last couple of days, I have found myself looking at the sky. And it has put on a show worth watching, from the northern lights to the moonlight, to a thunderstorm to the soft blue clear sky. Sky watching has been something which I end up doing every time I get some time to myself. The floating clouds, the nature's own show.

The movement, the feeling that I am floating with those clouds made me think of animation. It's been somewhat of a fascination with me. One of my first science projects was the "bird free or in a cage" - drawing a cage on one side, and a free bird on the other side of a disc, and pulling a string which would spin the disc and make it look like the bird was in a cage. The fooling of the eye… the birth of magic, perhaps? Our instinct to be in awe of things that surprise us… that pique our curiosity.

Movies - the new way of story telling. This need for telling what we witness begins from the days of the cave men all the way to today, when new lands, planets, races, creatures beyond our comprehension are brought to life. And we all too willing to believe, to extend our imagination and curiosity… to be in awe of that which is greater than our own limited experience. Even if appreciating it's not real to some extent - we still react, we still live several lives in the time we're watching the movie  unfold. Our mind transports us to where they are, their emotions tie in with ours.

We have a need to document, writing our own history in a way…we can see how times have changed by flipping through movies through the ages. Is this blog, or any book not doing the same? Both are attempts to recreate what is in our mind, some through words, some through picture… sometimes just a simple thought - like the changing skies… to invoke an emotion, to entertain…to keep the audience interested just enough that they would want to know what comes next...

Our Season Day 268

Every new chapter begins with the shedding of the last. This year seems to have begun in the same way. The shedding of the ornaments, lights and christmas trees. The cold stillness, the snow, the story of change already in motion.

There are many ways we define ourselves. We look at ourselves in a certain way, we must have some level of understanding of ourselves, for us to make decisions, for us to know how to be, who to be with, where to go, what to do. A measure of a year, is it really a clean slate - a fresh start, or just our way of giving an age to our thoughts. A commemoration of our maturity, of coming to age. A year seems like a long time, and yet when we stand on the cusp of a new one, it seems like the last one went by so fast.

There are two eternities a man can get lost in - yesterday and tomorrow. We spend so many of our thoughts in the past and even more in our future. And while I usually push for the idea of living in the present... I recently have found that an insistence to measure life with just the "now", sometimes leaves you just there. We find ourselves in a rut, in this "now" we have adopted... we don't need to lose ourselves in the eternity of tomorrow, but we do need to steer our boats, we need to set course to some path for us to stay in motion. We need to move with the flow of water... shed skin and move on to the next chapter.

Even standing in the midst of the coldest days, the days defiantly grow longer, reminding us that we're still moving even if all is still, all is frozen. Everything has it's season...and so do we.