Cold Nights Day 259

Time seems to be on its own path recently. Everything seems to have come at once, the end of the year, the winter, the things that must be done, the things that are done. And here I am trying to grasp onto one day, one moment and be with myself.

Been a stormy day today and the whole landscape has changed. The leaves have fallen, the trees bare, gritting themselves against the cold wind that beats on them. No birds or animals out, the cold is here.. and we must find ways to wait for it to pass. Hibernate, stay steady, hold on... whatever it is, nature seems to come to a standstill on wintry nights. And in the stillness that surrounds those cold nights - that stillness sometimes seeps into me. And thought pours out in the form of nostalgia, in the form of contemplation... quiet mind, quiet thoughts. Thoughts vaporizing in the cold air.

I see you in a field, the sun shining on your shoulders
I see you running barefoot on the dusty path
I see you laughing, laughter that I hear seldom
I see your innocence dancing alongside you
The way you move, free...and beautiful, I see you.

I see you playing with the stones on the bank
Their warmth seeping through your feet, your eyes closed
I see you smiling as you take in all thats around
I see your dreams, your passions raising you up
The way you move, confident and happy, I see you.

I see you in the shades of joy that radiates within you
I see your eyes play with the sun as they captivate me
I see you embracing the moment, loving without fear
Holding on without prejudice, forgiving without judgment
The way you move, light and wise... I see you...

I see you in my minds window,
Like a friend I haven't met in a long time
Like a love I lost too soon, a regret I kept hidden
A moment I forgot, like the secret I never said...
I see you like a reflection, like a story...
I see you...looking back at me.

- RKS

Times Gone By - Part II Day 258

I did say I would do a second part of this blog and so here are a few more things that seem to have disappeared...

1. Walkman
The clunks of plastic have now been replaced by super tiny processors which carry uncountable number of songs and media. But there was a time, the walkman was a big deal. I remember having my "brick" size walkman which I could clasp to my waist. I would always use up the alkaline batteries too fast. You could always tell when the songs vocals started getting a little out of tune. There were the clunky headphones too that went with the whole look. "Walkman" - always struck me as an interesting name for an audio player. I guess the walk portion symbolized the portability - not sure about the rest.

2. Maps
The times before GPS's - when we would pick up AAA maps and plan out trips days in advance. Figuring out road names etc. There was no magical "re-routing" - if you missed a turn, it was kind of bad. When the internet did come about, we got one step closer - getting on the phone and asking someone to look up directions on google maps. Also, the word "detour" or "road closed" would not be so easy to deal with. Atlas's - these I know are still around, but I do remember using them a lot more. The fascination just progressed to Google Earth I guess :)

3. Payphones
I don't think these are extinct - maybe in the endangered zone. These used to be a lot more popular. We would have "long distance calling" booths too. Calls being so expensive, you'd sometimes have to rehearse what you were going to say! But seriously, when is the last time you put quarters into a payphone and made a call?

4. Phonebooks
Another "endangered" one - I see them everywhere, but more often than not, I see them unopened, unused. There used to be a time near every phone (the solid chunky, long wire that would keep getting longer to provide you with a leash to move around) you would see a phonebook.

There are so many small things I see that are here and then they are not. Everyday we're moving forward in ways that sometimes we don't even realize because we're adapting so quickly. When jogging through memory lane, they are the details you don't think too much of.  There are telegrams, I think video stores are almost done as well, then the  clunky tv-sets with antennas. I do remember us having a large antenna on our roof and when the wind would blow too hard, the reception would go...well, with the wind. We had a rope tied to it, and I could climb on a chair, and slowly move it, while someone inside would say, "a little more, almost...almost... STOP!"

There are things that are part of our today that will not be of our tomorrow. Is moving forward a good thing all the time? I don't know - there are some things which I haven't been able to let go. For instance, the smell of a book... the touch of the paper in my hands, the smile I get whenever I see handwritten letters... writing them myself whenever I get the opportunity. I guess some things you just don't want to say goodbye to... and some are better remembered, as.. times gone by.

Scissor Tails Day 257

Scissor tail birds... I remember the fluttering of them at my window in the morning. Long tails with their ends splitting and gaining them the name they are called by. They were so common in my surrounding, anytime it was spring you would see them all over. And now, I don't. I now see red cardinals... bright red fluttering in the space around me. Catching my eye with their bright color... their contrast striking, always capturing my attention. I wonder how long it would be before they too fade into the ordinary.

We've had two herons nesting near our backyards and almost every morning, I get to see them glide across the water, their large wings spread, commanding the air. Birds have in a way embodied freedom to be. To be able to fly in the air, to go where-ever the desire be, to see the world from above... to soar and feel the wind against you. And while I sit here and gaze up at the stars and moons, the beautiful sky I cannot soar at my own will with... I wonder if even that novelty would fade into the ordinary given enough time.

Does everything we have slowly become part of the "normal" and we stop appreciating the beauty in it? Is understanding something, no longer valuing it - the desire the true captivator of our interest... the gaining, just an accomplishment, leaving room for our next wish... the insatiable quest of happiness. We project our own happiness in so many ways, we imagine we can be happy if we had the following things... there is an endless search for things desire. And sometimes so little in remembering how many of these that we've already gained.

I have the memory of those scissor tail birds, cowering inside a hedge... and the birds travel with me... for now I have a sparrow tree where the birds they sing to me whenever I stop to listen.. the red cardinals who dance around me and the herons that humble me. I am capable of experiencing so much by just being the observer.

So even though I sometimes see the birds that surround me, and think of their travels.. when I imagine a life with wings, the freedom of the air... I realize that I am made of this mud and I am made to marvel that which I am not, as what I am... is marvel enough.

Tis a Funny World Day 256

On my way home on the train today, our train driver was saying out the names of the station as though we were all in a Harry Potter movie. The British accent, the "promise of magic" lingering... are we at Central Station... or "CENTRALLLLLLLLL.... Station...." Just a little down the road and you can jump into Wonderland. Ironically that is a name of a station too :)

Anyway, it's not the first time I have been on a train with this guy and while his enthusiasm does make me smile, it's also interesting for me to observe how others take it. There are the quizzical looks, the shy smiles dancing, the downright laughter and among it the appalled, the head shakers, the almost angry and very annoyed. A simple scenario and such a spectrum of emotion. Maybe the way our day turned out, or what's going on in life is determining the reaction... maybe it's just personality or different sense of humors. I don't know... but in a train of random strangers (seriously we cover all kinds in just my normal commute, best survey material) - it always strikes me how different we are. How each one almost zones out to their own world, and then something happens - one crazy incident, one funny announcement and there is almost like a zapping out of your zone and your eyes connecting with someone and you share a thought.

Experiences are a funny thing... we can't all have the same thing, even if we physically went through the same place, same situation, had the same number of hours of sleep. I do get tragedies and responsibilities and weights on our shoulders, the uncertainties...and amongst this crazy day we spend chasing self imposed deadlines or disappointments of things we have decided to want, mourning over that which we can't change - in between this day, there are so many little things happening around you... and sometimes, even if it's "silly" or "small" or just someone else's joy - maybe we should just let our mind be at rest for a second - and laugh... smile. Who knows, we all might end up on the Hogwarts express again and if we behave, we'll all go to Santa's workshop... hmm, that might be the start of a scary story...!

Okay, lets leave this here for tonight... sleep well, smile tomorrow - especially if you don't want to.

Courage Day 255

"Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?" 

This quote is by the cowardly lion from the "wizard of oz". I got a little bit of a late start on watching a lot of movies and this was one of them. I was 16 and it came up in a conversation and my friend was appalled that I had not seen it. So I was marched off to her living room and she put on the video tapes (yes this is giving me a flashback of my times gone by blog :)) and we watched. She got tired in a little bit claiming it was more exciting when younger, but it still somehow captured my attention even at that age. This little monologue is one that really got me thinking then and when I think of courage... it never fails to come to mind. 

The Cowardly Lion always seemed to be looking for courage outside of himself instead of within. And when he did stop to look within, he found an immense well of it. We imagine being strong or courageous means not being afraid, not being affected, but it is quite the opposite. Courage is not the absence of fear... it is the ability to go beyond it. To not hide in your fear, but to conquer the obstacles which make you most afraid. To move forward even when there is no promise ahead. To choose to not be bitter even when you've been wronged. Courage is to love when you've been hurt before, to trust when you've been betrayed. To be yourself even when you're judged.

If there was no fear, there would be no courage... if there was no darkness, there would be no need for light. If there was no pain... there would be no joy. Like everything in life, the good and bad are balanced, everything exists because there is a need for it. And as there is a need for it, so there is existence... battles are to be fought and some to be left behind. In our loneliest moments, we find the deepest contemplations...and with some sprinkle of courage we decide which side we want to stand on.

Stray Thought Day 254

I was surrounded once again by the majesty of trees. This time was very large maple trees. They had the largest leaves I had ever seen. There were tall, confidently shooting up into the sky. I kept thinking of one of Gibran's quotes that stuck in my head...

"Trees are poems that the earth writes upon the sky. We fell them and turn them into paper that we may record our emptiness."

There is so much beauty out there that we "spoil" in some ways to proceed. It's our "natural" way to survive I guess. We are so used to our comforts and advancements, everything is at our fingertips for our use, for our consumption. And yet, having such intelligence and gifts, to channel things, to not worry about basic survival, we are not happy.. There is some piece of satisfaction that leaves us when we're not able to put our bodies and minds at use equally. Work our muscles, feel the peaceful sleep of a hard day's work. The confidence of being able to support and care for ourselves, for others..

Sometimes it feels like there should be no more emptiness, no need to pen down emotions... for what better way to live this moment than to experience it. To look up at the trees and see their drifting poetry and be part of it... channeled in, in tune.