Fearless Day 182

In the arms of the ocean, I let myself fall... before the fear becomes too real, I let the waves cradle me. Underwater... breathless, every thought free, every beat of my heart in my ears. Keeping still, letting the ocean show me its dreams. Could life be more alive than the silence that surrounds me now? The colours, the wonders - you, a mere observer, floating in the arms of the ocean. The more you give in, the more it gives back. Surrendered yet whole - letting the ocean weave its magic, letting it fill me up. Privileged, blessed or delivered, maybe just aware. Fearless, the conquered demon doesn't loom so strong anymore...

Been meaning to talk of this experience that I had - and I thought I should just pen it down. I had described it above on paper, soon after I went through it so I could remember what I felt. Had a chance to view some amazing reefs, the part which is amazing, is the idea that I did this without fear. I have an incredible fear of water, and I jumped from a boat in the middle of an ocean. I cannot really explain what went through my head, there was fear, there was a rush of thought heading toward me with all the reasons why I don't, why I shouldn't.. and then there was the thought - I want to be free, want to see it not just for me, but for me to show those who aren't with me.. for them to see through my eyes, for me to describe it.. for me to live unbound. Master of my fate... captain of my soul... and then was underwater.

The panic did come, the fears crashed into me - then there was the hand helping me, then there was the final giving in - final letting go and going under and seeing the wonder that awaited me. My bravery rewarded, the colors left me breathless, my body frozen... floating through a dreamland, the ocean befriended me, and together we existed in a way we never had... Guiding, showing me its wonders, holding me, and I couldn't pull away... 

Later on, other than being completely awestruck at what I have seen, I remember the feeling of being fearless. The idea of being able to conquer anything... maybe the battles aren't lost, maybe through our darkest times, through the worst of our fears coming to life - through that path is a place beyond our imagination, full of wonder and light. 

When I feel these feelings, of utter wonder - the kind of feeling that leaves you speechless and your every thought seems so small - whenever I feel it, I try to memorize it. I try to recall my breathing, the tingle on my skin, the lightness of my mind, the small smile dancing on my lips that I can't seem to shake off... the inspiration flowing through my veins... I try to memorize this. And some nights when its too dark, and too cold, and questions with no answers overwhelm me - I wrap myself in these, and remind myself... the wonder of the world out there, the feeling that can find its seed in me, the feeling that is untouched by hurt. The feeling of my existence.

The Cage Day 181

Been here before, I recognize the walls
The silence isn't as loud as I remember
The cage seems smaller, the comfort gone
Safe and numb aren't too far apart here
Just need to decide which poison to choose

Been here before, I close my eyes feel the cold
My minds already shutting off, my tears freezing
There is no sound here, there is no one to hold
Safe and numb aren't too far apart here...
The fight fades away, when have we had a choice?

Been here before, I remember leaving
I remember walking away, not looking back
I remember trying, I remember not running
Safe and numb don't seem so far apart now
Do I feel, or don't I, the thought seems so far away.
Safe and numb... don't seem so.. far... now.

- RKS

Falling Day 180

Been all over the place physically and mentally and now trying to find solid ground again. Hopefully things will fall back into a normal pace.. it's funny how the upsetting of a routine and normalcy in general leaves you so restless. Always so averse to change, always so afraid of the unknown. Maybe not knowing makes us aware of how small our existence is and how little control we might have over what happens next.

The winds of change I guess, pawns of fate, how many ends can you tie, how many secrets can you keep? How many adventures can you take, how far can you push yourself before something completely unexpected changes everything for you. It's a normal day, it's a normal life and then suddenly it isn't. We miss the comfort of things we know, of things we embrace.

So many things we take for granted, so many comforts around us that we are used to. The presence of someone, the whispered good night, the comfortable bed, the friend, the feeling of home... the time you have for yourself, the time you don't have to think, it all leaves us feeling safe. Safe... I think that's what it is.. When everything is gone, when you feel it slipping away... the safety goes first.. and you feel like you're falling, scrambling to find higher ground.

Just falling... initially you fight it, the panic grabs you in your throat, and then you slowly give in, and tighten up and get ready for what's on the other end... try to surround yourself with hope... and see what the next day brings.

The Smile Day 179

How do I put the smile back on your lips...
Your quivering lips that speak so softly now
The words you don't say, I hear loudest..
That which you don't ask for..
That which I don't give, the silence between us.

How do I put the smile back in your eyes..
Your sad eyes that hold my every breath
How do I reach out and light them up again
With the promises you don't make me give
With the love you don't ask me to promise...

How do I put the smile back in your heart..
That which warms mine when you hold me
How do I color your dreams with the brightest hues
Fulfill your every desire, wipe the tears you don't shed
The longing which you hide, the brave front I face...

How do I put the smile that won't fade..
In your eyes which hide from me..
In your lips which now move in silence..
How do I light your face up with my thought
How do I hold you without touch?
How do I... how do I make you smile?

- RKS

The Long Road Day 178

I often talk of how short life is and how we must make it a point to live every moment. Today I want to talk of a different feeling which does come in sometimes. The time when life seems so large and beyond us... when the idea what the rest of our lives could be looms upon us. We make a decision and the idea of this day, this feeling being the rest of your life, can make it seem longer. We find a little bit of doubt, a nameless need of sort seep into our thoughts. The unknown is usually perceived as a rocky journey, unimaginable consequences, at the mercy of the winds of fate - and yet, sometimes the unknown in its bareness and the idea of not having those adventures, those adrenaline rushes, of the plain everyday leaves you with a sense of despair. The path seems long, we try to make friends with the longings we now feel we will never have.

Sometimes this feeling is bred from doing the "right thing" - the giving in to the boundaries and desires set by others. Sometimes this feeling is from doubt and fear. It's from the fear of living an unimportant life, an invisible existence, a bound life, a cage of sorts with no torment but that of the same day.

Days like this, when the destination seems reached the best part of our lives seems to be in the stories we just talk of, when we seem to be living more through others than ourselves, when the idea of normalcy seems too dull - on those days, I remind myself of something magnificent I have seen, someone wonderful I have met - an energy I have been moved by. And I promise myself an adventure. I plan it out in my mind, sometimes even write it out, daydream of it and even if nothing suffices of it, at least I have acknowledged what it is I long. I remind myself of the days of restlessness, and I embrace the idea of their being a calm I can rely on. I hug my hurts, and try to smile at their memory. Some days its okay to be sad, it's okay to embrace ourselves and accept our weaknesses.. some days its okay to feel that you are small, and be humbled.. just promise yourself one of these tomorrows will be different, you will find that amazing source of energy and surround yourself in, you will cross the barren and live for yourself, if only for a day, and then... keep your promise.

Soul Dance Day 177

Surrounded, we are encased in the everyday
Small talk, the casual smile, engaged in what we must
Keeping you close, hold on to you with my eyes
The quick glance says what the lips want to say

Eyes dart, the feet move, my hands lose yours
Yet we hold on stronger, the unspoken promise
The unsaid longing, the conversation of our hearts
The tug stronger, within us the desire roars..

Within the battles of our everyday, we fight on
The waves must carry on, the world must be fed
The further away, the closer we find the other
The smile on my lips, is your memory I adorn

Soul dance... soul dance.. who can see our soul?
Lost in this rhythm, this wave which ties us together
Soul dance... soul dance... we are prisoners in this world
Free in our hearts, free in our love, free in your arms
Soul dance.. only we know it, only we see it..
Soul dance... only we feel it, only we hold it...
Apart, we come together, you make me whole.

- RKS

Attempts of Faith Day 176

There are times when I find the deepest of joys and the most painful of feelings can be bred from the same moment. That is a contradiction of sorts, but sometimes it is those days that invoke such deep passions that can make you delve into a pain and happiness of equal quantity.

To feel joy, to let it into yourself - you need to open your mind up to it. For the smile to touch your eyes, for the warmth to feed into your soul, you need to trust, you need to have some faith. And sometimes putting yourself in that space... it makes you vulnerable. It makes you feel that which you hide from. Knowing beauty is also knowing what it feels like to be without. Being healed, make you remember your hurts. Having your heart touched, reminds you of its scars...

We go through life with a little bit of a disconnect from the "burdens" or "wrongs" life has done, a disconnect from the "unfulfilled wishes" and that helps us go on with our days. And then somehow when happiness seeps in, when a moment truly touches you... it goes straight to that disconnect, using it as a path to pass on that emotion and in the process invoking that which we don't think of, that which we fear..

A hope, a thought... could we dare to have this... could this life be ours, could this moment stretch on. Could there be no hurt... could we take that step and maybe... could there... could there be no goodbye?

Imaginary Day 175

Looking out to where you should be
My hands frame the empty air
The cold air holds me back
Hold my breath, close my eyes
Try to stop the world tonight.

I move to the music only I hear
I imagine you tugging me gently
We sway, we speak, your thoughts
Envelope me, in this imaginary...

No complaints, no explanations
Your touch surrounds me, lifts me
I let the tears fall, the smile escape
Spinning me, you make me laugh
The still night comes to life.

My fingers lock your hands
I let my breath go, I give in
To the day I want to have
To the place I want to be
Where we speak with no words
Where I let you comfort me
Where you never have to leave
The cracks aren't so deep
The distances not so steep.
I open my eyes...
And the cold air warms me.

- RKS

Staying Still Day 174

Be still, my soul, be still... the arms you bear are brittle...

The last couple of weeks seem to have been a cascade of thoughts. Even though I haven't had the chance to write them down in this space, they have been banging against the sides of my head, coming out in small notes on my phone, on napkins, random scribbling. A lot of moments of inspiration, a lot of debates, surprises to fuel the mind, to channel a series of thoughts. There are just scenes or moments in your life when you just know you are going to remember it forever. This is going to affect you - this will be of significance.

Inspiration can be overwhelming sometimes. Events, things you experience just going through your day, can push you into an almost shock, a stillness of thought buried under the waves of time. You stand still - very still then.. .and wait for it to settle down. You know you have stories to tell, moments to share... you know you have experienced things which must be spoken of, which must be written. You know you are part of something that will come to be of deep relevance, that could maybe have changed just something in you - but nonetheless is powerful.

Hold on to that precious inspiration, to those scenes, to those snapshots of memories, of tidal emotions and wait for the tide to recede... till then be still, be still... fear not this restlessness, we are storytellers... must wait for the rain to stop beating hard, the waves to settle down - and then just a drop of stillness, and we pour onto the shores.. we will write on the surface of the water with no reprise, whispering the stories that lie within us.

The White Mountain Day 173

Rising from the dark, illuminated by ghosts
Standing tall, standing unchallenged, towering
The white mountain tugs at its reins
There must have been life in it, for it moves
There must have been hope in it for it smiles
The ocean still...the ocean quiet, the fight lost
Succumbed it falls at its feet, defeated, deflated
My nightmare stands tall, stands strong, watching
Knowing, controlling - no waves of thought
No light... no light in its eyes and yet holds me captive
We challenge each other through the thick silence
It finds the dark in me, the demons ride out strong
Tied together in despair, tied together in stillness
I move toward it, it draws me in, nothing to lose
I go closer, and see the smoke that fills it..
The smoke of my dreams, the armor of my demons.

- RKS