Taken Away Day 172

There's this piano piece I really love. It's called "Summer Solstice" and I believe I mentioned in one of my favorite blogs. There's something very fairytale like about it. It feels like you're flying.. through the mountains, to the skies, finding all that you're looking for - merging into one with your own subconscious thought. While I am not sure what the artist's interpretation of it was - it's the feeling I get...

Feet off the ground, arms outstretched
Fingers reaching for the stars, eyes there already...
Wind playing with hair, the air filling you up...
The sun is rising, we playing a game of tag
Castles in the sky, dreams our reality
Charmed by our desire, fueled by our faith
We look below at the world fading into specks
Wings outstretched... we ride the dragons
Majestic, unchallenged, vulnerable and beatiful
We fly through space.. through time..
Each finding our own heaven.

- RKS

Sometimes when days and feelings are too much to figure out, music helps me escape. This song in particular, just takes me to a place of wonder and fantasy - a feeling that we can use our pent up energy, whether it is anger or despair - and channel it into something beautiful.. and maybe in the darkness when we take that step off the cliff... instead of falling into the abyss, we will spread our wings and learn to fly.

Residues of Recollection Day 171

The further distance you put between yourself and a memory, the clearer it becomes. Clearer the picture, clearer the importance, clearer the desire, the motivation, the idea.. the reasons that brought you there, the things that might keep you away. While the facts fade, the memory stands strong, we drape it with our emotions linked to it. We make it good or bad, we classify it, we share it, we protect it... a priceless jewel or a forgotten story, the life of that memory lives in the verdict the jury of your mind gives it... some precious beyond words, you hold closest and all it takes is closing your eyes and...

Close my eyes and I am taken, taken away
I remember your face, I remember that day
The desire to escape, the running, the laughter
The taste of freedom, the happy ever after

The stars that shone down on us
The overpowering feeling we blindly trust
I remember your eyes dancing with excitement
The desire to break the chains, the confinement

I remember remembering every second
Not wanting to forget, not wanting it to end
I remember your hands in mine, fitting perfectly
The sense of belonging, the feeling of infinity

The world our stage, the night our cloak
You are pulling me, raising me past the smoke
Living a moment that encapsulates everything
You tell me to look at you, to run with you...
I open my eyes and... your residue still tickles my skin.

- RKS

Surrender Day 170

Show me what you feel, show me where I can go
Show me where I have been, where you won't let me
Show me your dark, show me your light, what you hide
What you don't say, what you mean when you do
Let me find you where you are most alone
Let me drift deeper into the places that hardened you
Let me find you in your thoughts, when you don't want me to
Let me surround you, when you turn away from me
The anger you use to hide your vulnerability
The way you push me away when you need me
When you stop hoping, when you kill your desire
When you're ready to end the fight, stop searching
When you are ready to not give up, but give in
To trust the free fall, to find your anchor in my eyes
Then...show me what you feel..
Show me where I have been..
Where you won't let me...
Show me your dark...
Show me your light...all that you hide...
And I will... I will hold it.

- RKS

Jumbled Day 169

Thoughts have been a little jumbled in my mind recently. Have begun maybe 5 blogs with all of them going to different directions - somehow the feeling is clear, the words not so much.

Make that 10 starts to this paragraph as well :) I wonder if sometimes the biggest challenge in writing, is forcing your mind to create thoughts of all that we feel. To give it a name, to give it a title. Thought is a cage that seals our being... we exist in what we are able to send out there, to express. Do the quiet lose their existence in their silence - become invisible? Is the story of so many people lost simply because they didn't put words to their desires, to their feelings...

Words an art form - words the bridge between your emotion to the next persons... words - the perfect ones, the right ones - the form of truth, the rush to state what you mean, the justification of behavior - what we say is what we mean, there is no other way to be honest, other than words, not everyone knows how to read eyes, knows how to interpret body language, listen to the silences between the words spoken, the energy transmitted...

Creating a thought of how you feel... it happens so fast, so easily classified. Sometimes words feel like a little bit of a mockery of the expanse of our incredible spectrum of emotion - not only of the way that we are so limited in our way of being able to express it, but also in the limited fashion the person you're sharing it with is able to comprehend it. Somewhere between the two people having a conversation, specially the time when words are the only medium - it's such a vulnerable place, you add emotion to the cold words and letters in your own mind, you relate it to what you imagine the other person should be, your words are edged, your thoughts and intentions vulnerable to interpretation. Truth is, words on their own are very cold... we only open up and relate to words when the emotion is properly essayed. At that point, words are a hindrance... and we speak without  the need to be heard, we are quiet in our loudest moments and exist without scrambling for some diction to explain it.

This Feeling Day 168

Feelings sneak up on us so many times. We are quick to brush them away, quick to determine what feelings must be associated with what circumstance. If we feel anger - we look for validation - am I right to be angry? If you feel love - should I feel this way? If you feel happiness - is it too selfish, is it in the right way? A good reason? A validator? A comfort in knowing that what we feel is acceptable, maybe a comfort in a life cycle we might follow to get through something?

Yet, feelings sneak up on us. A while back a friend told me that I should just feel what I feel and not look for anyone to reiterate or approve that. I realized at that point, that I had been doing that a lot - been asking, looking for support to express what I feel. And that's the irony of it all - you feel what you feel, and you can express it in so many ways, use a million words, talk to a hundred people, maybe find an echo of some of your thoughts in their opinions - but you feel what you feel. You are the only one who does.. only one who can.

In a lot of ways our minds make us powerful beings. We are able to talk ourselves through our deepest fears, able to calm ourselves when panic takes over, able to comfort, able to alert our body if need be... Sometimes though our mind being so much in charge, trying to get us into "action" mode, starts dictating what it believes we should feel. And sometimes, some nights - we need to back down the mind... hug ourselves, have a conversation with yourself - start with, "how are you feeling today..."

The Goodbye Day 167

Ripples in the water, tracing your reflection
Laughter, innocence untouched, unclaimed
Your soul, pure, unscathed, perfection
Wild without care, free, beautiful untamed
You soar with the wind, you travel with the stars
You find peace where the shadows cant touch you
Healed, happy, your soul lives with no scars
You dance, you sing, you escape, you breathe too
No darkness around you, you travel there
I feel you here, I see you everywhere
I say goodbye, but I hold on stronger...
Stay with me, just a little longer...
Let me tell you my stories, let me make you smile
Your eyes tell me you've to go, mine plead you to stay a while..
Letting go, letting you go where there is no pain
Imagining you dancing, playing in a heavenly rain
The worries gone, you soar, you fly, you are
But a reflection in this water, and I the quiet watcher
The ripples in the water, the melody in the air
The whispers in the darkness.. the emptiness I embrace
Imagine you with no care, imagine you not scared
Your face in my minds eye I slowly trace..
Who do I say my woes to, I hold on to your laugh
Sound I heard so rarely, stories you held so closely
The spaces of time are all that separate us..
One day, we will watch our reflections together
That is what I trust...
The words unspoken, the promise...
The promise we promised to keep forever.

- RKS

Transition Day 166

Transitive.. moving from one state to another. With our will, without our will... does anything happen with or without our will?

Is everything put on a scale of right and wrong, is every moment a decision to be in the "right", is every "wrong" just a transition? What is the tipping point - one mistake, and the scales over, a hundred right things and it doesn't move? Sometimes we try so hard to find this balance, this preconceived idea of who we should be and what we should do... you almost lose the essence of who you are.

In a way everything we feel has a life span. It has it's birth - where it began, it has its growth, it has its peak, it has its verdict... it has its story and it has its fading. A full life cycle and I guess the only thing unknown is how long or spread out this life cycle would be. Could any feeling last in its purity and entirety? Could you feel strongly about something or someone everyday for the rest of your life? Or is it all a transition... us just transitioning...with or without our will... searching, moving, looking...


A sea of change comes over me, quickly now,
Changing everything and nothing, for the soul stays still.
As lost as she has ever been, a voice in the wilderness
Between love and despair. I am who I have always been,
No closer now than I was when the journey began
Surer of my direction, who I am or have I just always known
Moving, swaying... the waves carry me forth, the waves tear me down.

Mirage Day 165

There are some words which I remember exactly when I learnt their meaning. Mirage is one of them - was on the road with my father when we saw the "fake water" and he explained the optical illusion to me. Somehow whenever, on the road driving and I see that, I remember him.

Mirages are interesting to me, while it can be described by light and refraction and so on... it's just one of those things that also appeal to me a poetic inspiration too. There are so many things around us that we assume we understand don't think much of them anymore... We classify it as something based on a logical explanation, a scientific reason, word of mouth and move on from that chapter.

The whole poetic part for me is from the idea that we are seeing something in front of us that while we see and experience in that way, capture it in our minds eye and comprehend it but when you try to get close, try to touch - it's gone. Kind of a sad angle to it. It reminds me of this poem by Christina Rossetti ( a poetess in the 1800s), name the mirage too:

The hope I dreamed of was a dream,
Was but a dream; and now I wake
Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old,
For a dream's sake.

I hang my harp upon a tree,
A weeping willow in a lake;
I hang my silenced harp there, wrung and snapt
For a dream's sake.

Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;
My silent heart, lie still and break:
Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed
For a dream's sake.

Dreams, mirages, our beliefs - all invisible but what we know as real. While their shattering hurts and you can look at it as deception of sorts. I sometimes think of mirages are beautiful. While you cannot experience everything and attain all that you want, you can view it.. you can experience it from a distance, admire it - watch it, make it as close a part of you. Who says anything is unattainable, maybe attaining everything in it's completeness is not when it's most beautiful - maybe it's when we just keep close and let both you and the mirage make the journey together. Together,  yet separate. 

Familiar Day 164

Familiarity of a voice, of a hand, of a touch, of a feeling, of a sensation and you feel at ease. There’s a lot we take in and try to process, but oftentimes it is that feeling of familiarity which brings us the most comfort. I sometimes wonder if familiarity ties us down… if we let our guard down so much we’re not even able to see when we are getting hurt.

Can we end up loving someone simply because we have for so long? Do we hold different people in different courts… based on how close they are to us? Are we more willing to take beatings from those closest to us, forgive the heartaches, and move forward? Is it all because we’re too afraid to break away from what we know…?

The same way, do we look at other pastures because we lose sight of the beauty of that which we see every day? We take for granted the person who is there for you unconditionally – we look at the brighter lights, the quieter moments and forget the times the familiar hands held and cared for you… Do we get so comfortable in our familiar space that we break their heart and not even see the tears? Walk away, move on – they will always be there… where can you hide familiarity anyway?

There are a lot of good things and bad things about getting close, about building your foundation of comforts. I guess sometimes we need to step back and re-evaluate ourselves and our relationships, make sure we’re getting what we think we are, that we are the people we want to be, and we are at the place we want to be.

Tired Day 163

Need to write a blog, but too tired to think
Imagining paper, blank paper and too much ink.
Thoughts dancing like little birds on wire
Fingers move to write, but fingers do tire...

Hunting for a topic, how may I amuse
Words come to me, where is my muse?
We play a game of tag, thought and sense
From deep thought to utter nonsense...

Am I whining, or is this a way of unwinding
Frustrating or finding release in my rhyming
I should stop this poem before it goes crazy
Let's hit publish before even the button goes hazy...

- RKS

Tonight Day 162

Hold off the search, call off the soldiers...
Let's listen to the quiet, let's tend to our wounds
Let's rest tonight, in the shells of our souls.
Tonight, we will buy dreams from vending machines
Will lose ourselves in the colors that we shy from
The fates we keep at bay, the lines we dare not cross
The walls concrete unable to hold, the mind flows
Thought is neither reigned nor free, it is just.. thought.

So hold off the search.. call off the battles...
Tonight.. let's exist, flow in the river of the moment
Sway with the winds, share tales with the moon
Let emotion exist without our naming it
Let feelings be without our claiming it..
Caged in our bodies, let our demons free..
Tonight, there are no hearts to charm
Nor worlds to protect, no secrets to keep..
Hold off the search...
Call off the soldiers...
Let's tend to our wounds...
Let's listen to the quiet.

- RKS

Moving Forward Day 161

Daylight Saving ... time has been moved forward.. we're now living in yesterdays future, and todays past is now our present :) Talk about tongue twisters...

Time sometime seems so unconquerable. We're so unable to stop it - and some days like this when you actually move it forward, physically change the time of day - it's an interesting feeling. I wonder if we could move time ahead anytime we want, or back a few rounds - how often would we do it?

I don't think I ever really understood the concept - I guess where I grew up - unheard of, except when my sister who was living in the US would inform me to add or subtract an hour when trying to contact her :) Reading about it, it's a little obsolete in thinking and I am not sure if it really does what it's supposed to do. Seems to be a tradition that's held on to without thought.. or maybe there is thought and some enlightened individual shall well... enlighten me :)

But I was talking about time.. sometimes when setting a watch or clock, it might just be me - but it makes time almost tangible. I have a fascination with the way watches work. Mechanical watches.. the measure of periodic motion - starting of a thread of oscillating pendulums, winding gears and voila, a second has passed! We have now recorded a moment of time...amazing.

So is time really just a measure and not a true reality - an illusion. It is a prominent Buddhist thought that time is just made of an infinite separate instances, configurations that make up the entire universe. I think in a lot of ways time contains us - we find peace in a future we see ourselves working toward.. we find comfort in the time that has passed and we can hold close.. but sometimes... we get a little lost in the intricacies of the hours and the days that are wearing us down...

In this moment there is nothing that comes to be. In this moment there is nothing that ceases to be. There is a sort of absolute peace in this present moment. Though it is at this moment, there is no limit to this moment, and herein lies eternal pleasure.. and some days when we do take control of time and force it forward, you realize how powerless the clocks are after all. There is endless time in every minute, and there's nothing in hours, there's endless life in one moment... and nothing in the next..

Watching Day 160

Just some play of words tonight..

Poetry has always been so "open" in some ways - you can choose your expression in any way with it. What is poetry but a dance of words? An abstraction of thoughts... the painting of an emotion? Sometimes it fits in perfectly rhymed verses, sometimes short, sometimes long... and sometimes its just play... like tonight :)

Kalos... beautiful...
Quiet, calm on surface, ripples strong below
Eyes betraying torrent of emotion
Held, holding... locked, opened
Kalos...Kalos...

Eidos.. Form..
Filling the spaces in between
Where the light dances on skin..
Voice trembling, the soft whispers
Hand in hand, fitting puzzle pieces...
Eidos...Eidos..

Scopos...watcher...
See yourself come to life as a bystander
As a giver, as a goddess, as a prisoner
The giving in, the giving out... the giving up
Of resistance, of doubt.. while you watch..
Scopos...Scopos...

Beautiful form watcher... Kalos Eidos Scopos...
Watching your kaleidoscope of color
Your kaleidoscope of my reflections
Watching your beauty.. your form..
My colors reflect back at you..
Kalos Eidos Scopos...Kaleidoscope..
I watch you watch me.

- RKS

Pause Day 159

There are days which are so slow and then there are days that go by in a blur and you wonder what you did.. There are also those days which are so special you don't want them to end and you want to take out the remote and hit "pause".

Was thinking of some of these "Pause-worthy" moments - the snapshots from your childhood, the snapshots from where you imagine yourself to be, when you laughed, truly laughed, when you met someone, when you felt at home.. sometimes just a scenery or a setting.

Sometimes the "pause" button comes in mind though cos it feels like we haven't had enough of them.. that time's going by too fast - the future we keep on planning to live keeps slipping by..

We might not be able to pause life and it's ever flowing river - but we can definitely pack as much life into every moment as possible. Do things that you love, that challenge you, meet people, experience life - hug those you love, be happy, be alone, be creative, be together... whatever it is, when you lay down at night and you imagine that "pause" button - let it be, because you made a special memory that day.. and not cause you didn't.

Good night world... tomorrow, we shall dance with each other again..

Mine Day 158

I sometimes think your eyes were meant to mirror mine.
For me to look in them, and see my true reflection.
I sometimes think, your eyes were meant to look at me
At the dark I hide, the strength I wear, the shame, the joy
Your eyes were meant to read mine, to hear their truth.

I sometimes think your hands were meant to hold mine.
To hold them even when you're not with me, when we part.
I sometimes think your hands were meant to protect me
From my own failures, my indiscretions, from the harshness
Your hands were meant to touch me, to lift me up.

I sometimes think your lips were meant to sing to me
For me to break through my doubts, to give in to your song
I sometimes think your lips were meant to whisper to me
Whisper in my ears, fuel my soul, make me feel without thought
Your lips were meant to captivate, to imprison me...

I sometimes think you were meant to be with me...
In ways that cannot be defined, nor need explanation
I sometimes think you were meant to complete me..
Healing, loving, freeing, catching, holding me...
Sometimes I think... you were just meant to be.. mine.

- RKS

Random Simplicity Day 157

The day is coming to an end. The night is here... and here is blog 157.

Sometimes when I sit down to write here and think about the feelings/things that strike me and a lot of them sound like stuff I talk about often here. Maybe there is a theme to  this random blog after all :) A lot of it has to do with self-awareness, shedding skin, analysing emotions - taking control of our mind and so on... While I do spend a lot of time analysing and "overthinking" as a lot of people close to me accuse me of... there are a lot of simple things in my everyday which catch my eye. Sometimes it's the simplicity which cuts through. So in this blog I thought I would write of a few things that have recently caught my attention - without a hidden life message, heh :)

1. Waking up to see my usually battling kitties cuddled up together. How do cats look so content so easily? They have mastered the art of comfort...
2. A tree full of happily chirping sparrows on a stark winter scape
3. The taste of a yummy desert or baking... more precisely - the smell of baking
4. A banana leaf opening up after a month of trying to cope with afore mentioned winter scape :)
5. Hint of green peeping through the snow - the foot high piled snow.. spring is around the corner - life restarts...
6. The voice of someone singing - the comfort of their familiarity
7. Your bed, couch, whatever spot is yours - the feeling of home you get in it
8. A kid interacting with a computer with no thought - is it me or are kids more and more fearless?
9. The acknowledgment from a stranger in your busy day - a simple human interaction in the sea of faces
10. A paper rose putting a smile on someones face...
11. The joy in just being yourself with someone - anyone. No guards, no walls, just comfortable.
12. Making lists in a blog which for some unknown reason to me.. actually has some amazing readers :) Someone caring what thought I have... I must say, looking at the stats of my readers - it is amazing to think that this simple random thought I had is being read and processed by another person across the world... how special is that?

So I should stop typing... very hard to not sprinkle my deeper take on some of these situations..! Must hold back wisdom... must hold back...

The Queen Day 156

She's not the tallest, but she is towering.
She is not the fairest, but she is glowing.
She is not the loudest, but she is the voice
Her quiet can fill a room.
She is not afraid of her weakness
But she hides it well in her armor.
She can hurt with her tenderness
And heal with her harshness.
She is Queen.

She doesn't rule, she reigns
She doesn't conquer, nor command
Her truth is eternity gazing in a mirror
The wingless flight - she keeps in her eyes
She holds her ground, but will bend to love
She will succumb, but not be ruled
She can hurt with her desire
And heal with her indifference.
She is Queen.

- RKS

Power comes in many forms. Are we able to feel "power" by deciding someones fate? By taking control of their life and imposing our will? Is true power in taking prisoners, or imprisoning without attack... without game. Is power in making the right decision even when its hard - hurting someone or yourself for a greater good? Is power in knowing who you are and wearing that crown proudly - even if its a crown of thorns? Is power in being comfortable with being alone, acknowledging your imperfections, but staying brave? What makes you Queen... what makes you King... what stops you from it? Every day we wake up - we have our kingdom to rule -  the world, its elements, our desires, our wants, our passions - everything needs ruling. We need to reclaim our power - reclaim it by giving ourselves in, by holding ourselves strong.

Queen..  it is not important what they think of you. It is important what you think of them, what you think of you... what you think is your reality. You give yourself freely, you hold back freely. You command... you rule.

The Surprise Element Day 155

Sometimes we react funny. When we're sad, we laugh, when happy - we're quiet. Is hurt, love, want, desire, anger - just emotion.. .and we the canvas deciding how to portray it? Is there something to be said about not going through predefined reactions..

Are emotions truly mutually exclusive? When hurt, must there be no joy? Must dancing, laughing, smiling be banned? Does it eclipse your sadness? Is being happy really about being energetic and spinning around? Can there be true happiness in being quiet... observing, allowing yourself to feel what you do. Is happiness in sometimes letting yourself be sad and knowing it's okay...

There are some moments which occur and when we really let ourselves feel them, we can surprise ourselves. Situations around you occur all the time... the only change is who you are at that moment. Who is going through this - who is dealing with this? Sometimes when you look back at how you would have reacted a year or 10 years back at the same thing - it's striking to see how differently you're handling it now. Do we grow older or just keep shedding skin...

There are so many assumptions made on you - how you must behave, what you did the last time you were in this place - what you said, and while you can learn about a person from their past.. people are getting reinvented everyday. Situations, days - just time, is changing us every single day. And every now and then, we need to break the mold of our own past and laugh at our pain, dance at our sorrow.. hug ourselves when content, or maybe do something completely ironic and different. Maybe do exactly what we always do.. but either way, it's a good idea to tap into what we're feeling and live that - not what is scripted by us or others. We're always going to surprise ourselves.. we're evolving, we're growing... exploring... every single day.

The disconnect Day 154

Hello? Hello world... are you listening..Are you as aware of me as I am of you
Is there a glass wall between us...Do you hear my words.. do you see me?

Why is it when we're quiet, we speak the loudest, And when there are no words, we hear the best..
Do we both keep an eye on each other, but not make any contact.. what moment are we waiting for
Do we accept this wall... could we pierce it with just our looks... are these one of things we just...
Just don't talk about.. falling in and out of sync... ashamed and proud, beaten and victorious..

Through these words unspoken... I know what you feel... past the smiles, the courteous nods...
Do you too see the swollen eye lids framing the overly bright eyes, the too eager laugh..
We wear our identities like clothes, we play the role... do you see what I cannot hide...
Do you feel what I cannot say.. do you listen... do you listen....

You are so quiet... I hear you breathing, see you moving through the waves of people
Speak, acknowledge me... I want to tell you my story, won't you tell me yours..
Surround me in your sound... take me somewhere else, distract me.. help me escape..

You listening...? You there?
Hello...?

A Grain Day 153

Called this blog grains of thoughts... and sometimes thought really is a grain. A little feeling, a speck of inspiration, a moment that stops you, halts you. A grain which sometimes doesn't have a lot of logic behind it, no rehearsed essay, no real purpose... just an acknowledgment, just a thought.. I guess tonight's blog is one of those minute specks which I am giving life to by writing down.

There is something boundless inside us. The thought or the feeling or the mere acknowledgment of our true existence that's infinite. We can tap into a million desires, we can cloak ourselves with what we believe are our needs, tie ourselves down by our duties... we can try to shape ourselves into our envisioned versions of ourselves... and yet it would still exist. It doesn't bow to reason.. it cannot be held down. Even if we keep it at arms length, it seeps into our dreams... it surprises us by our sensations... it refuses logic, sets its own course.

It lives in the mansion of the sky, the courtyard of the moon... It's sings the songs of the silences of the night, it plays with the ball of sun... pure, fearless... it flows through the morning mist, the grass beneath us... When we truly live with the boundless spirit fueling us - that is when we breathe.. and when we let it fuel our path and lead us... that is when our heart beats with purpose... and when we give in and reach out... in this boundless space... we find our souls entwined.. we find our souls free.  Boundless, yet contained... infinite, yet complete...

Drift Day 152

Mind is drifting today. Through many spaces in between and in the point before now and after then. Was reading a lot of interesting things today, had the interesting blog thought, the moment of inspiration, the poetry... and it's all in another part of my mind now. Now it's just drifting..

Drifting... There are some moments in our lives which we are yet to live and we know they are going to be amazing. Seeing someone special, going somewhere, meeting family after a while... And it's almost like a highlight of your thoughts knowing that, that special day/moment is coming. And sometimes it feels like you are just drifting between where you are and where you want to be :)

We all need something special to happen every now and then. Something to get you excited.. to count down for... It's so much easier feeling that way when you are younger, everything is exciting. I think getting older makes us a little cynical, we are always looking at a little bit of the pessimistic side.. Yes that trip is great but the plane ride is too long... yes it would be amazing to meet that person but its only for such a short time... and so on. I don't know if it's being practical or protecting ourselves from disappointment... whatever it is, it might be a good idea to let the child in you take charge and put a big grin on your face, feel excited.. feel happy... and while you're in one of those days drifting from moment to moment...  maybe daydream and hang out with that kid inside you that stays up all night thinking what could be in that wrapped up present..