The Mind's Court Day 131

The trials we put ourselves through - who decides the verdict? Who decides we've suffered enough, the punishment is done - the justice served? When is it not enough - when is it too much..

Incidents, situations, mistakes - they all happen in a moment of time - followed by a reaction, the people around you - the world around you reacting with their opinions and explanations. When the time you're allocated to deal with things is over - who is then to judge you - who is then to free or cage you?

So many things sometimes have time limits on them - it must take an x amount of time to get over something. We must in this allotted time go through the lifecycle of the emotion - process it, learn from it, explain it, defend it - make decisions - promote ourselves further away from it - pass judgment, and carefully put it away as an old memory or forgotten past. And after that time is over.. we must have found something else to ponder about... after all the world is forever moving - there is so much to see, so much to do.. so many more lives to pay heed to, we're thrust into an evolving place - we can't hold onto bindings of the past.

Sometimes though - that time limit isn't enough. That perfect life cycle doesn't work. Our mind reacts in ways which sometimes our logic cannot quantify. We sometimes use partial denial to move ahead. We make promises to ourselves, we believe we have taken what we can from that situation and it's over now. But what we believe, what we think - how much control do we really have over what's happening over ourselves?

The natural reaction most of the time is to get away from an uncomfortable situation - to follow lessons of the past - to listen to others, to communicate. And yes, this does work - but sometimes the shadows don't leave you. Sometimes they just hide - and at some point we really need to go and make those judgments - decide the punishment, accept the verdict - stop punishing ourselves for the same crime. The thing about situations is that more than the actual facts and things that need to be done - everything is changing you, is building you up, is breaking you down - it doesn't even really matter what happened - what matters is how you felt, how you are feeling and how you will feel because of it.   Every now and then you realize how much the smallest let downs or the kindest of acts have changed you - how you have molded yourself to now believe or not to - how trust is shaken or hope is ignited.. everything creates a spark in you - everything takes you somewhere - everything must be given its due significance.. its day in court.

No where, now here.. Day 130

There are places we need to cover - how do you go from point A to point B - different kinds of transit, different methods you can take - different roads. You could go the long way, enjoy the scenery, you can dash by.. you find a way.

Sometimes I wonder if we could use that same method of thinking in our minds. How do we get from a point of despair to a point of happiness. How do we get from a point of fear to a point of strength... how do we move from feeling helpless to feeling powerful.. how do we go from arrogance to humility? What is the best method - what is the fastest - is there a winding road, is there a quick path...

I don't know - but sometimes making that journey is daunting. Perhaps the intention of embarking on that journey is the most awakening moment. Not just realizing where you want to be and go but truly appreciating where you are. You need to be able to learn, to know your demon.. to know what it holds on you, how it brought you down - to be able to face it. It's a little bit of a jolt.. when the walls come crashing in, when the place you were at suddenly isn't welcoming - it's the time when you realize something needs to change. Sometimes it creeps up on you and sometimes it jolts you. The realization hits you fast or slow - but somewhere when that happens.. that journey which seems daunting begins.

You are nowhere - you're in transit, you're being thrown around by emotions and people, in your own battles - everything is somewhere else - you're contemplating the past, you're planning the future - you're talking yourself through scenarios, you're imagining conversations that are yet to happen, you're replaying ones that did... in a lot of places - during commute, during waiting, sitting at home - in a car - it is really like nowhere cos our mind isn't there. And then when this "journey" begins - you start with just that - here. You're here. This is you. Now what? How do we go from Nowhere to where now, becomes here.

I guess that's just it - the best way to move yourself is to be with yourself - to feel yourself, to listen - to be present. Hug yourself, and try to take that one step encompassed in this nowhere - encompassed in an undefinable moment of nowhere.. it is these nowhere's which take us ahead... and one day in another moment, of perhaps utter insignificance, we will look back and see how far we have come.. how far we can go.. as long as we hold on, as long as we just decide where we want to go.

Imaginary Castles Day 129

As children we build imaginary castles where we can go to. We imagine beings princesses and heroes - we are invincible, strong and anything our mind wants to let us be. There are no limitations or boundaries - nothing to hold us back or tell us what we can or cannot do... it's just a place we can go to, right from the comfort of your house, using any tools available - a cardboard box, an arrangement of chairs.. paper passports and you have airplane setting. A mat in the yard and it become a ship. A bent stick and its a bow and arrow - we're warriors, we're herders.. we're anything our mind desires.

So many situations we sometimes use this power of imagination - whether it is as simple as to imagine being home under the covers or in a warmer place - we often travel in our imagination express taking us to where we desire. The mind is an interesting thing in that manner.. how it can make you believe, make your body react to your thoughts. The way it can formulate a situation and make you "believe" it is happening - your logical side falling short to the wave of reaction your body is going through. Good or bad... simple or deeper - we do have this constant mode of transportation ability. I guess you can call it daydreaming... or in another extreme a hallucination.

The castles in the air we draw - the places which give us comfort... the anchors that hold us in place. it's good to have that place. The "safe place" - where you can take yourself to, your mind to - where you can stay calm - where you can reclaim your throne, you are the ruler, you're Hercules, a nomad, untouchable, invincible... Castles in the air.. that is where they should be - our eyes following upward... as we slowly build the foundation that will take us there.

Imagination truly is a powerful tool - use it wisely.

Captured.. Day 128

Breathe... keep breathing..
Every breath seems so real
Your fingertips wake up my soul
Slow... lets slow down...
Let's keep this moment going
You... you make me whole..

Beat..our hearts beating...
Have I truly lived before this..
Has the world been just passing by
Close... keep me close...
Ocean of sensation takes over
You make me feel so alive

Rhythm...I move in yours..
Walls down, your face is all I see
You... you take over..
Intoxicated, complete..
You own me...you surround me
Surrendered, I give in..
Surrendered.. I lose myself
Surrendered.. I am yours.

- RKS

First Impression Day 127

I somehow keep falling behind a day or so - so let's see if we can start dishing out a couple of blogs a day for some time to catch up - might result in me tapping into an incredible vault of creativity or utterly aimless nonsense blogs but oh well, I guess we'll find out :)

Do you ever wonder what people see when they meet you? What do they make of the words you say, what sort of vibes do they get from your energy? What sort of opinion is being formed... what observation is being made? What is attracting the eye, what is repulsing the eye - are you invisible to them, are you the only real thing in the room? Are you funny, are you quiet - do they feel safe, do they see a partner in crime, do you command respect, do you come across vulnerable?

Masks - we put on so many masks sometimes. When we meet people, when we talk to people - we have the "friendly" mask - the one which emanates what you feel you should be like. The questions above are well - it's all of you. It's so interesting how different people bring out different things in you. Who you are at home, who you are with a friend - who you fall in love with, who you meet - we relate, we connect - we communicate with our body language, with our smiles - with the way we look, the impression.

I don't know how much the first impression counts but it definitely is the starting point of the story. We are going through so much sometimes that when you are in a good place and can relax - can be at peace with things - when you are not trying to make friends, when you are not expecting anything - when you are existing, when you are celebrating yourself and feeling good - those times are probably the most honest impression you will give anyone. Be ready to listen and look deeper than the mask. Some things do come through, some things we can't hide - you can pick up a quiet person, you can pick up a strong person. So many kinds of people we meet everyday and so many stories, so many masks, the walls, the explosion of emotion inside them.. And we're the same to them.

You know the feeling when someone catches your eye - and you look at them, and just at that moment, they make eye contact with you. You pull your gaze away, you wonder if they noticed - or you hold the contact. Whatever the decision - its like being aware of someone in this ocean who stands out to you. And by making that random connection - you're picking up on their "first impression" - maybe in a moment of just being - when they are unaware, when they aren't trying - the mask is off and in that contact, you just met the real person and you in turn just introduced yourself through acknowledging that raw pull toward them.

Aimless Day 126

The crack in the story, the climax, the disappointment - nope.
The waking up moment, the life changing observation - nope.
The discovery of truth and the reason for our existence.. not exactly.
Incredible revelation - no, no no.

Don't really have a blog of any real importance over here. Don't really have anything to preach or any mystery to solve. Sorry, this blog will not answer, nor depress, nor enlighten anyone. Not consciously or with any such intention of. It just is one of those blogs with no real point or aim. A random thought blog... let's see what comes up...

1. Your back is very important. Take care of it! You're nothing without your back supporting you :( - No offense to any other body part - please don't take this personally!
2. Pineapple on pizza is amazing despite the popular opinion of those I know.
3. Working too long kills creativity
4. Some days your feelings take over - and when they are the good kind, its being on a high of life :)
5. There are cold days, pretty cold days, freezing cold days and then there are days you walk out and your every thought disappears, your senses freeze and as I heard it being called recently - bracing.
6. I heard this fact today which I don't know if it's true.. but apparently the reason we say "bless you" when someone sneezes is because the heart stops for a millisecond. Hm.. I don't know. Must verify.
7. Lesotho was once again the answer to a jeopardy question - people really should read more about this country. Not that I watch jeopardy - but that's another story.
8. Random blogs like this might mess with AdSense in an amusing way.
9. Learnt the importance of having a heavy sweater - and that a sweater can save your life and lead you to your family :) Yes, I listen!
10. And last aimless random though - "almost" is the LONGEST word in English language with all the letters in alphabetical order - this riddle won me dessert, so saved it for the end :)

Okay tomorrows blog will make more sense I promise - the mind has turned off, this is all from what my mind had cached today :) Good night world - lets aimlessly enjoy this pointless, aimless night of pleasure :)

Animal in You Day 125

So got a blog request for tonight from a fellow animal lover... been meaning to do this for you, so here goes..

Things I learnt from my pets and in my case a wide array of animal interactions! I believe I learn a lot from animals and in different days I learn different things. For instance today, I am not feeling well and it's something with animals which I find amazing - they can go through a full day of trauma, of being poked, prodded, cut open, stitched up, drugged and your dog will still give you a little wag when he sees you. Your cat will still purr weakly and the minute they feel even five percent better, they are trying to get on their feet. Nothing gets in the way of being happy - and nothing should get in the way of telling the people you love, you love them no matter what :)

Food is an incredible necessity but also very enjoyable! Heh, yes being a food lover, I can relate to the amazing satisfaction my cat has on her face when enjoying very expensive smoked salmon from Vancouver (made for humans, if you were wondering...) The half closed eyes, the smiling face - heaven wrapped up in a meal!

Trust is earned and once earned, it's not questioned. Having gone through some rescue animals, I have had to really work on earning that trust. It really is building a relationship - you have to be consistent, you have to be caring of what scares the other even if it makes no sense to you, you have to express your needs and let them also appreciate who you are.

Sometimes you need to just take a nap. Animals have a good sound instinct to just take a nap when they are not feeling great. A lot of times we can do the same - probably save us from a lot of undue stress and resulting worse situations simply cause our mind and body are exhausted. Also, seeing the blissful way animals sleep - lost in their space of pure comfort, it's something we should all do. Let the stress melt, let the world melt - let the mind and body heal - let sleep do what it's meant to - rejuvenate.

Follow your instincts - we all meet animals who react differently to different people. Some they immediately take a liking to and some they ferociously hate. I don't think we listen to our primal instincts enough sometimes.  I do believe in giving people the benefit of doubt, but you need to be aware of what your body and senses are telling you as well. Be aware when to back off and also when to trust. It's a good security system in built in us.

There's no place like home. Home is where you belong, where you feel comfortable - where your bed is, where your favorite room is, your family is. Nothing makes you feel better when after a long day coming home. Same with pets - you can take them all over and yet when they come home - it's that happy stride into their comfort zone. Though the thing is they adapt to change and newer homes much faster than we do... because they know the most important thing is that they are with you, and knowing your home is where you are with who you love and not a materialistic possession is something which we can all do with learning.

Endless lessons - just a few here.. hope I did justice to this request!

Art of You Day 124

I can draw your face in my mind..
Trace the outline of your eyes
Draw the strands that hide in them
The colour that fills the white sea
Intriguing, happy... I would draw the lines
That form around your eyes when you smile
Your smile... your lips... their moods
Inviting, slightly trembling, I'd capture their intrigue
In my minds canvas your hair
Would weave around my fingers
In a moment of intensity, in this moment of vulnerability
I would paint you to life...
On my canvas your face would see me
Your arms would reach out to hold me
Your beauty would be in the shades of your skin
Your tones would speak of your stories
The places you have been, the places you will go
The places that bring you to me...
I can draw the strokes that pull me in to you
To the promises you make without speaking
My fingers move to create you
To capture you, to hold you...
To make you mine..
In my minds eye... you come to life
You come to me, you stay, you stay.

- RKS

Been Here Before Day 123

I was talking of a space between dream and reality yesterday. It's a sort of semi-conscious state I guess, and in a lot of ways we can tap into a deeper sense of consciousness at that time. You might have a vision or a sense of utter clarity then - we are able to tap into our "intelligent beings" with a much clearer understanding when unburdened with day-to-day  tapping the true potential of our mind maybe.. or maybe it's just the relaxed state when our senses are still working :)

Lucid dreaming, astral projection - I don't know.  I guess I sometimes experience these very clear dreams or situations - nothing extraordinary - a normal day, a simple chain of events... a knock on a door, a person coming in, a conversation - or some words someone says...and then it fades away. And some months later - something happens, just like that - in a perfectly normal situation you feel like you've been here before - déjà vu I guess. It's just an interesting state - to go through something like that.

Just had that sort of feeling tonight and was thinking of this. The tricks our minds play on us or the tap into the planned future we sometimes get glimpses of. Is it a simple trick on our minds or is it really a complicated web of events - a flow which is constantly moving us and taking us without our consent - are we the wind channeling it - are our own "visions" and thoughts in fact powering the future - or are we just spectators, when still enough to feel the strings pulling us ahead we can follow the pull and see where we're going..  who knows, maybe if we lay still enough - the world will pass us by :)

End of Day Day 122

There are those days when you come home and just want to be.  A long day - sometimes its just the exhaustion of a few days with catch up with you, sometimes a madrush of events - sometimes just pushing yourself too far for too long.. or sometimes just the quiet pulls you in. There just are those kind of days when you want to be home, not surrounded by much - not too many loud thoughts, where you are in a mood ready to listen - to the wind, to the feeling in the air, to the sounds that fill the silence between your thoughts. Listen to the peace which fills your body and lets you relax.. you are in a place betwen reality and dream.. where you're a conscious being without being too involved. An observer, the energy spent, the mind and body ready to give in - letting the space and time take you... you go with the flow..

The mind never really stops - and sometimes these kind of days when it doesn't put up much of a fight are very special. It's an unburdening of sorts - the mind is drained of intent, there is no space for any kind of thought, the decisions are put on hold, the conflicts are at bay - when it cannot be phrased, when it cannot be spoken aloud - it cannot exist. If we do not ponder, then we cannot worry... if we're not acknolwedging, how can there be reaction... The mind is now the audience... the world a stage, let's see what we've missed... let's rest for a while... the battles are on hold, the triumphs will be celebrated - the long day is over though - and in just this surrender, our mind is free - free of the holds of our mortal inflictions, of our personal wars, our internal struggles, our desires - nothing weighs us down. Weightless we float... weightless - we exist...

The Hypocrite Day 121

Let's start with a mini geekfest my friend and I had today (yes, I am going to embarass us - it's funny!) - potential names for an autobiography for programmers:

The Life of Py-thon

The Perl in the Oyster

Who VB? 

Linq of the minds

C# shooter.. 

Lambda express yourself..

Okay let me stop - we had a lot more but back to more important things! :)

So this blog is called the hypocrite. For the longest time I have strongly stood on the ground that I am not a hypocrite. I say what I mean, I stick to my feelings.There is but one clear path at all times - we must walk the path of righteousness. Or something like that. And then in this platform, I often talk of breaking away from that path - of finding yourself outside these limitations. It's been pointed out to me and either I have a split personality or maybe I am a hypocrite or... maybe not.

I don't quite know how to answer why we sometimes give the best advice yet don't apply it to ourselves. Does that make us a hypocrite? I don't know. I do believe that we need to explore ourselves, and venture out there - but at the same times i do respect boundaries drawn around me. Is that being a hypocrite?

In a lot of ways, I do think my mind is free. I have tried to explore myself within and extend myself out as much as I can. The problem though arises when we hit other peoples spaces. Not everyone is open, not everyone is ready to reach out. We are all living in our own shells, our own snow globes - not everyone has the guts to come out and explore. Who is to decide this is right or wrong? Is me pushing out to explore yet stopping where that reach can hurt others, limiting myself - am I a hypocrite for holding back when exploring so freely?

I don't know. A lot of things have become clearer as the days go by and one thing is that nothing is ever black and white. There never is a correct answer, a right path. There is what you can live with.. there is what you are okay with - and not just you - the people you are reaching with, what is okay for them. It's a balance between self quest and their preservation. Even just your preservation - we can't live on an adrenaline rush, some part of us must be contained. I do believe everything I say in this blog.. but I also choose carefully which waters to cause ripples in.. I don't know if I am a hypocrite... but I am learning with everyday - with every blog I write, it's not preaching but self observations, things I see, I learn.. every day is a new adventure, everyday is a different feeling.. pulling me in, taking me to different avenues.

I don't think you can ever know yourself completely - you are an ever changing mass of emotion. We have amazing minds which can take us to so many places... so when I am asked if I am a hypocrite.. I guess, my answer today will be - I do believe what I say is right - to live on my desire, to live truly free, to love without fear of consequence, to break chains, to give in to the pulls of the universe - yes it is right, but maybe not just right now.

So long blog short - Being brave doesn't mean you are no longer scared, exploring yourself and your desires, does not kill your conscience... hurting does not mean you're not happy and being happy does not mean being completely selfish.. its contradictory and maybe hypocritical.. but one thing is true - life is a complicated mess - a beautiful complicated mess. Maybe one day I will see the light.. maybe not just right now :)

Have We Met? Day 120

I was thinking today of how an ordinary day introduces you to people who come to affect you in some way or the other.

There's the friend I had my whole life for so long that it's hard to remember when we met :) There's the girl with the clangy earrings and general chaos who was late for the first day of class. The soliloquy I was having when I had an audience I wasn't aware of.  The wedding I went to, the dance war with a stranger, the casual work day, the friend of a friend.. a random encounter on the street, a helpful gesture - a cup of spilled hot chocolate.. it's really so easy to meet people, and with such ease these people change your life.

So many times we meet these people in such unremarkable ways, we don't even think twice about it. And then when they do mean so much more to you, you scramble to remember that memory. To recollect that moment in time when you were strangers. Also, makes you think of what people see when they meet you - what are they going to pick up of you in that meeting - what mood will reflect what, who are they going to assume you to be - will those assumptions stand in the way or will they intrigue them. On a deeper level, if you could - would you want to meet you?

That is the way it goes though - everyday we are going through so much and when you meet someone - the person you project is so dependent on what stage of life you are in, what mood you are in - maybe even as simple as how much sleep you got or the last time you ate :) And in that sense, we are a whole array of different "first encounters" - a different you would be acknowledged at each different phase of day. And in the same way we're picking up that unique "first encounter" with them - which is trapped in that moment of time. If we could keep recreating those first moments with the same person - so many things would change, different opinions would form. And yet it happens... just the right kind of thing clicks... just the right exchange happens and a connection is formed.

It's not just the obviously important people in your life - it's everyone who affects you, good or bad - who changes you, who gives you experiences... sometimes waiting in the shadows, sometimes dragging you out of yours... whatever the adventure is - it all begins with the first chapter of the story - how we met.

Yearning Day 119

Sins of our past, wrongdoings of others - a very special person once told me to not judge them or punish them for the sins of others. It is so hard sometimes to put faith in a place where you've been let down. But yet we do it - we let ourselves believe - we let time heal us.. we let ourselves hope again. We don't let our hearts become stone - somehow, every time - there is something that triggers sensation, that pulls at your feelings.. a trigger, a flash of memory..

We yearn to live in a world of beauty and love. We yearn to be wanted and needed - to feel beautiful and to be held. There always is a strand of hope, even in our despair that there will be salvation... because if there is none, if the darkness is all there is - there is nothing to live for. There is no point of good vs bad, there is no heaven, no light..  And if there is no hope, there is no tomorrow.

You have to live to see life get better... you have to believe in change...believe that time will flow you to  a place where you will be stronger. Even in your most unremarkable situations, even when you're the wrongdoer or been wronged... there always is a chance to change it. We need to keep ourselves open, to learn, to move forward.. The past shouldn't shackle you, the future shouldn't scare you - keep your eyes open, keep yourself open - the desire for happiness and acceptance does not make you weak. The feeling of being needed does not make you a traitor. You are not unworthy, you are not broken - you are not guilty - not in anyones eyes but your own. Forgive yourself - every person you meet, every time you give a new chance, a new step forward - you're giving yourself a chance. Embrace it.

It is true - you cannot judge others or yourself by your choices, by others choices - all we can do is reach out, slowly - carefully - but reach out nonetheless... for all you know, that could be the step which fulfills your yearnings, and maybe - you will heal them just as much as they heal you.

Madness Day 118

Madness - yes, the word stuck in my head today (thanks to a pretty redhead out there!) :)

Defying logic, defying gravity - the reasons which made perfect sense, the right choice - there is a madness which takes over sometimes. It's confusing but exhilarating.. it doesn't happen often, but there is a moment of clarity almost, which lets you go past the barriers you put on your mind and body. That madness which frees you for just a while - we try to call it many names, but it's just a massive rush of emotion, of intention.

Maybe it's living for yourself in that moment - it's giving in to your senses and your desires, letting you see a different world view, a parallel world - a chance to see what could happen if you let yourself go there. It's all in that moment of pure emotion, the madness. The kind that might be safe to just sit out, to keep breathing, lock yourself down - it needs to almost be physically contained.

These kind of emotions, these feelings which take you over - whether it is the moment you decide to make a change to your life, the second when the "bubble" pops, or just the emotion takes over - the ripple in the water.. they have always attracted me. I wonder what it is that does that - what makes you go in a different direction, think in a different way? I wonder if its just the insatiable mind, the soul which doesn't understand norms and "human" bindings - a deeper being, an uncontrollable surge of events pushing us to where we cannot see today.. if by just following that strong emotion we are fulfilling a purpose, something which needs to be done...

Or it could be a chemical reaction, hormones - heh, who knows... I guess sometimes the surge of the emotion is just to make us think, just a push to another view point, a moment out of the ordinary - to take us somewhere else, if anything - just for that moment of madness, you can be a goddess, invincible, perfect, courageous, a hero... just the feeling pumping in you and you can feel you can own the world, and all of universe would bow down... It is a madness - a beautiful madness... so indulge in some once in a while, just know when to pull back :)

Shedding Day 117

There are so many versions of us - sometimes going through older photos and memories, makes us remember those times. There is so much we believe we can do or be - in any period of our existence, we have expectations from our future selves. Promises we think we won't break, feelings we will stand up for... things we will achieve, accomplishment.

Looking at that memory - it makes you wonder and realize how far you've come. How different you have become, how life has shaped you - how people around you have molded your opinions, where the path you chose took you. Some part of us is almost accountable to this previous version - how do you question the naivete of your child form, how do you answer why you didn't follow your dream?

There are good things too - which your past self would prolly approve of and is much further than they could imagine. I don't know - it sometimes feels like another life, another person - and a time which we sometimes hold ourselves accountable to. While it's good to keep in touch with who we are and the lessons learnt - it sometimes is okay to let that skin shed off.

Somehow in our present self we look at ourselves more critically. When we go the other way - looking back, we often times are so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good. How does that happen - how do memories become rose colored? I think we need to believe in the idea that everything we have been through had significance, that it all amounted to something. I think we need to forgive and feed that innocence. The skin always sheds, sometimes we hold on to it harder than we realize. Letting go, even of our past selves is hard. But sometimes it is empowering, to go to new horizons, to take that younger you as a good friend, as a storyteller - not as an anchor holding you down.

The Quiet Day 116

This silence is not to suffocate you
It is to surround you with what I feel
When the fears are too true
When the doubts seem too real

This silence is an ocean that takes over
It is the words that are felt deepest that speak
The waves of despair beat hard, this silence is my cover
It is the strength that holds me when I feel weak

It is a whisper to you, to help you see
To not lose you in this storm brewing
Don't fear it, it is what keeps you to me
It is a passion that needs no undoing

It is vulnerability, it is strength
It is despair, it is courage
It is emotion, it is faith that wont end
It is a song of a broken heart

So don't leave me on this shore
Don't walk away from this quiet
The night is dark, the tide high
Stay close - just you with me
This silence is my sanctuary.
But it is you who is keeping me afloat.

- RKS

State of Mind Day 115

There are constants in our life which draw us to them. Some small things, the tea that will always comfort you, the familiar friend, the old tv show which will always make you laugh, an old photograph which makes you smile. The constants which sometimes get triggered by, well just being constantly present. It's always raining when you're down, the sound of wind chimes everytime you close your eyes, the stars - the piano, the music - a song.

We go through so much every single day and so many days feel like we're just filtering through them. Feel like it's just one more day - so routine, so everyday - there is nothing to remember, nothing to hold. And then one day happens, when that rhythm changes - something is amiss. You feel disconnected, you feel alone. Suddenly you crave that normalcy, you want to have that non special day where you're just okay, there is nothing wrong - there is nothing big, there is just a normal day. And that's where the constants help..

You can find these constants in your darkest of moments... as long as you let yourself go there. Often time when we are at battle with the world, we end up going into "soldier" mode and refuse to be vulnerable to ourselves either. We refuse to hold ourselves, or connect to any part that is good. Then, out of the blue, the constant things in life start to show up.. you start relating to yourself again, becoming your friend again. I don't know how these things do it, how the right kind of hug makes you feel warm, the right words make you feel safe, the sound of a song make you breathe easy, the music of wind makes you feel light... I don't know how we pick up all of these as we go through life. But I think we are doing it in those days which seem the least special. We are building up a force of habits and chains which make us feel grounded. It is in those "normal" days when we are able to explore outside of us - when we are able to evaluate.

So when you feel "bored" or life is to monotonous - enjoy it, take it as a good place to be - that there are no battles within, enjoy the constants that make you feel that way - they will hold you in place when things go crazy. You are in a good state of mind if you are at peace, if you are surrounded with your constants. Take that normal feeling and explore something, laugh spontaneously, spread the feeling around - go from there to happiness on nothing, nothing but an amazing feeling of "normal" :) Normal is underrated.

If Day 114

If your eye could see beyond the horizon - you could know what I think...
Were the sound of the clashing waves able to pierce your soul, you would know my thoughts.
If you could lift the curtain of your stubbornness, you would see the color of my eyes
If you could break the habit of assuming my opinions, you would know what I think.
Like me, if you were aware of yourself, if you were able to listen
My thoughts would join yours, you could come with me.
You could see the world through my eyes, walk with me for a while

These winds that whisper tales to me, you could hear them too
I could share the colors of this world, the warmth of your hands
If you were ready to hold them..
We could take off in flight, take off in air.. the world at our fingertips
This flight would take us to a space, a time, a world beyond ours
Our lights would merge, our spirits entwined..
We conquer the oceans and seas... fly above,
Embraced within, embraced without.
If your eye could only see beyond the horizon....

Eyes Day 113

Once in a while, when we meet a stranger, there always is that something which catches your attention, piques your interest. And maybe it's with every stranger - we search quickly for that one catching thing, maybe even subconsciously. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not but we all have our own different things. It has always been eyes for me.

The gateway to your soul or maybe just another form of expression. You can see the residues of what they have seen... sometimes too much, sometimes too little. Eyes.. the speaker of truth, they cannot be forced to smile, cannot be forced to reflect sadness. Emotion plays in our eyes, uncontrolled, unleashed...

The strands in the eyes, the truth in them - maybe that's why its hard telling a lie looking at someone in the eye. The souls don't indulge in deception - they exist purely, and the visible emotion is reflective of what the mind, the body and perhaps heart are not able to convey. They do not shy away, they live in true freedom - always ready to speak with anyone listening.

You can learn a lot about a person if you just study their eyes. Their mood, nervousness, excitement - their fears, their horrors, their pride - you can pick up so much. There often is a conversation happening there which the lips do not mouth, the hands do not illustrate  The whispered desire, the wail of sorrow, the tears that never fell, the joy that cannot be shared, the love which flows from within, the passion unclaimed..

See with your eyes, listen to the stories being told around you, be aware of the secrets yours betray.. there always is so much going on, so much that our body and eyes react to even before our mind can. The tears that come when touched, the anger that dances in their rims, the betrayal held in their white ocean, the stirring of passion, the flames of desire, the conviction.. it's endless - it's infinite, its singular, its pure.. it's the dance of the eyes.

Humility Day 112

I often talk of being humble... It's something which I feel, we all believe we understand untill well we, understand :) . Humility...

Somewhere between being confident and proud of who we are - it does sometime lead us to believe in a greater self-importance than really is. To constantly try to be humble, to constantly accept that we do not know everything, we cannot fix everything - that is an amazing gift of peace you give yourself. The confidence does still live on but it is the confidence in knowing you can figure what life throws at you, and you will not be ashamed to ask for help, that you will be willing to learn and come out a better person.

The clash of humility comes with pride. It is a balance we need to strike - where does pride end, when does humility begin. There has to be pride - pride in accomplishment, pride in standing by your beliefs, in what you do, in what you believe in. It's having pride in what you do - what you create, what you stand for - what you deliver, whatever is associated with you. It's in a way of caring for yourself and whatever is represented by you.

It's just so easy to get lost in that pride though. To think you know best, to think you do not need help, that your thoughts are superior, that you cannot learn from "certain people" - that you are more worthy of something than someone else. Raising yourself up to a bar where your pride is all that keeps you company. People are with you but not close to you. Every now and then, something shatters it - it always happens. A harsh truth, a betrayal, a humiliation - something will shatter it. And in those pieces we learn humility.

Humility is in everything - your work, your feelings, in the way you treat people - you friends, strangers, your kids, your family. You still do rise when you're humble, but you rise on a concrete foundation - you rise in belief more than pride, you rise with friends, and you rise with so much more around you and in you. There is so much in this world to learn and appreciate... so many people and so many experiences... so much, so little time... being humble, being modest - helps you expand yourself and your thinking... so be humble - its not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know :)

Within the Walls Day 111

The days were slipping away fast. The concept of time was becoming more and more blurry. He couldn't remember if it had been one week, one month or just one long nightmarish night. Leaning against the wall, he squinted his eyes. Black - it was still completely black. He had contemplated the idea that he had gone blind, but he was still aware of his sight. In a strange way - he could see the pitch darkness. Maybe the Gods were punishing him -their way of putting him back in his place - to show that the optimistic are crazy after all.

No, he can't give in like this. He has to keep his spirit up, for if there is no hope, there is no tomorrow. He smiled at the comfort of the memory that was once his. He raised his fingers to touch the muscles on his cheek. His face felt like it was cracking from the simple motion of smiling. The promise of tomorrow, the hope that made no sense in this black hell, it was comforting, comforting in its promise of being there - whenever he opened his eyes, whenever he dared to think - it would stare back at him, the black eyes which surrounded him now.

No, he must not give up. Keep remembering..

The thought - the thought of reason which will stir within
The idea - the idea of change will start to grow
The feeling - the feeling of hope will nurture it

That's all it is - one thought. One thought which will start a train of thoughts, one thought which will lets him imagine something different. One idea.. which will break the cages holding us down. One feeling of hope will give endless courage to go beyond your fears. And just like that, with one motion in  the mind or heart - everything changes.

He smiles in his moment of despair, there are no cages to his thoughts, there are no prisons that can trap the suns rays. There just needs to be a crack... in these walls, in this darkness, the crack and it will flood inside with the promise of change, the promise of intention... the promise of the beginning enveloped in this end. There is life... there is purpose. Just a thought, he smiles as the darkness fades away... he rises, walks to the light breaking in, let's it warm his face... smiles as he bathes in the one thought which freed him.

The Want Day 110

Going to share an older poem tonight. Sometimes it feels like we want everything in life. And it's a little bit overwhelming to think about it. We want to feel good, we want kids, we want a job we love, we want money, we want success, we want friends, we want freedom, we want talents so forth and so on. This is a very generic list I just wrote - but there is always desire. There always is that dream or hope, or maybe just a silly wish. The idea, though, of obtaining everything - of having everything you've desired or wanted - is that true utopia?
Isn't the search for yourself, the desire to attain higher ground, the dream to live a better life, or be a better person - the challenges you place on yourself.. Isn't all of this life? Discovering who you are, what you are made of, what you can stand for and what will break you down.. feeling restless, confused, sorted out, pushing yourself, gaining perspective - emotion, passion - isn't this what being human is about? Well, this poem I wrote a while back when imagining a place where we have everything we need and want, everything we dream of - yet we might lose the very essence of life itself in that. So maybe we should just enjoy it - all of it - the good, the bad, the restless, the awareness.

यूँ  ख़्वाहिशों में ढूँढ़ते हो क्या 

(What do you look for in your dreams)

ख़ुद को पाने की ख़ोज है ...
(You scramble to find yourself)

पा लिया तो ज़िन्दगी की वजह क्या है ?
(If you obtain yourself, what is the reason for life)

हर सपना हासिल कर लिया 
(If you fulfill every dream)

तो फिर जीने में तलाश क्या
(Then what will you search for in life) 

वह बेसब्री ना हो, वह बेख़ुदी ना हो 
(If you have no restlessness or passion)

फिर जीने में मज़ा क्या
(Then where is the fun in life)

ढूँढने की आशा, पाने का जज़्बा ..
(The desire to live, the drive to gain).

यह ना हो फिर ज़िन्दगी की दास्तान है क्या ?
(If this is not present, then what is the story of life?)

- RKS

Threads Day 109

So cold these last few days - even the sun seems to be running on batteries. Weak batteries.

There are some times when the thread of life tying us together becomes more apparent. Whether it is through the butterfly effect, or just being affected by your surroundings. When you hear of someone you don't know, never met... yet their story resonates through you - you see their face in yours. Or if you are in need and a stranger helps you. Every now and then, that thread - the invisible thread - we become aware of it.

It's there in humanity, it's there when we reach out and when we let ourselves be reached. It's almost a gravitational pull to yourself. If you listen to your strong feelings, it ties you to a stranger, it takes you down so many paths - almost like a maze following those threads.

If all of the universe was one living soul and we were but small beings of lights each playing a small role, each a vital role... if we gave and we took, we found ourselves in that state of utopia, we'd have endless power at our fingertips. Find those threads tying you down, lifting you up - tug at them, follow the pull...

Unbroken Day 108

I may be bruised, but am not beaten..
I may look weak, but my strength will shatter you
I may have fallen, but I will walk
I carry your scars with me
But they will not own me.

Your darkness will not change me.
My light will fuel me.
Your opinion will not define me.
My thoughts will never be caged.
I am more than a victim
I am more than a tragedy.

The Gods will bow to my truth
Fate will change it's course
I will rise. I will live.
Take your best shot,
Nothing will stop me now.

- RKS

New Year Day 107

Last day of the year.. It has some interesting feelings to it. The end of a year - it's like closing a story and starting a new one. While it is just one more day, it is also more than that.

Every year comes with so much. Things you learn, things you mess up. Gifts you give, hurts you receive, the growing wiser, the growing humbler... maybe just ruining everything. Whatever happens though, I have realized the way you start a year, the way you think your year is going to be and the last day of that year are usually very different.

Life is so unpredictable - we are so unpredictable. Every year you will learn something new.. you will see something amazing. In nature, in a moment, in someones eyes - you will find beauty. You will go through a tirade of emotions - and we can just hope its extremes of joy and good, but there will be bad. There will be hurt and we need to get through it. The year talks of how you survived, how you fought.. how you conquered. It shows you how you've changed... who you have met, who has affected you, touched your mind. Family - the joy in familiarity, the excitement in new friendships, the continuous exploration of yourself... it's overwhelming and so many flashbacks, so many faces come to my mind.. it's been a good year I guess -  think I have learnt a lot about myself, have maybe confused myself to the limit too, but tonight I can sit here and say it's going to be okay.

Cause that's the best part of a new year - its a reminder that it's never too late to reinvent, to rebuild - to do and go where you've not been. It's all unwritten, it's all in your mind... let go, it's not going to be easy and fun all the time - but you can't live scared. You can't live without desire, you cannot live without your conscience... so hold on to what you need. Don't give away what defines you, make those hard calls, strap on tight - we're about to take off for one more year... one more adventure, one more story - one more time in our life we will never forget, the best day of our lives - it's at our fingertips... so lets close our eyes, take a deep breath and here we go...2013 :)